EXPENSIVE technical wear has turned mild-mannered ramblers into delusional maniacs unable to tell the difference between good and bad, it has been confirmed.
Bad clothing wearer Wayne Hayes said: “I’d gone for a walk in the Peak District when the weather turned and I was left trembling in a crevice thinking ‘shit, my Mum’s going to choose my funeral music’.
“Then a figure cloaked head-to-toe in luminous Gore-Tex-Pro swished towards me with a confidence that jarred with the fact he looked like a walking bollard.
“My first thought was ‘who’s this prick?’ But, terrified for my life, I feebly uttered ‘terrible weather eh?’.
“He replied ‘there’s no such thing as bad weather..,’ as the rain slid off his weatherproof hood directly into my eyes.”
Hayes added: “It was then that I strangled him, stole his jacket and sheltered till morning, repeating the mantra ‘there’s no such thing as good and evil, just twats in Gore-Tex Pro asking for it’.”