People who say 'there's no such thing as bad weather just bad clothing' wrong

EXPENSIVE technical wear has turned mild-mannered ramblers into delusional maniacs unable to tell the difference between good and bad, it has been confirmed.

Bad clothing wearer Wayne Hayes said: “I’d gone for a walk in the Peak District when the weather turned and I was left trembling in a crevice thinking ‘shit, my Mum’s going to choose my funeral music’.

“Then a figure cloaked head-to-toe in luminous Gore-Tex-Pro swished towards me with a confidence that jarred with the fact he looked like a walking bollard.

“My first thought was ‘who’s this prick?’ But, terrified for my life, I feebly uttered ‘terrible weather eh?’.

“He replied ‘there’s no such thing as bad weather..,’ as the rain slid off his weatherproof hood directly into my eyes.”

Hayes added: “It was then that I strangled him, stole his jacket and sheltered till morning, repeating the mantra ‘there’s no such thing as good and evil, just twats in Gore-Tex Pro asking for it’.”

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How to take a baby out in public without offending everyone

Are you considering taking your baby out in public but worried you might offend somebody? Do you want to leave the house without causing ‘outrage’ on social media? 

Avoid those death stares by following this simple guide:

Before stepping out of the house it is essential that you lose all your baby weight.

Everyone knows that middle class people have delicate little ear drums that are particularly sensitive to a baby’s cry so Waitrose, farm shops and Joules should be avoided.

Ask your baby not to cry for the duration of the trip. If this fails, wear ear protectors. If you can’t hear your baby crying, it is not your problem.

Disguise your baby as a puppy. Everyone loves a puppy.

Using your breasts for any non-sexual purpose is disgusting so if you must breastfeed in public, perhaps give onlookers a wink and a flash of your nipple before getting started.

Never take a baby into an establishment where adults are eating. Adults take public food consumption very seriously and even the idea that a baby might shit itself, suck a breast or scream at any given minute could give them indigestion.

If you must feed your baby then a sausage roll outside Greggs is the more considerate option.

Do not take a baby on public transport. People might mistake it for a bomb and panic.

Finally, if you are asked to leave a public place because your baby is feeding or crying ‘inappropriately’, then promptly exit the building alone while shouting ‘She’s your problem now, arseholes’.