Photoshoot of newborn could be literally any baby

A COUPLE who paid hundreds of pounds for a photoshoot of their newborn are oblivious to the fact that it could be anyone’s baby.

The photography session, which cost £250, promised to ‘celebrate the uniqueness of your precious bundle’, despite the fact that they all look exactly the same as each other.

Emma Bradford said: “Everyone knows that the first exhausting weeks with a newborn mean nothing if you don’t make everyone even more tired and stressed by insisting on taking the tiny screaming baby to have their picture taken.

“The fact I chose an A1 canvas print of my baby swaddled in pink fur and lying on a bed of ferns is definitely because it’s really classy and nothing at all to do with my insane post-birth hormones, whatever my mum claims.”

Photographer Mary Fisher said: “You have to take these special photos at the early newborn stage because it is literally the only moment in a child’s life that they will not object to being posed like an idiot with lots of tacky fake flowers.

“But, to be honest, most of the time we just use the same set of photos of the same baby from three years ago. Nobody’s noticed yet.”

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The parents' guide to being sophisticated enough for your worldly daughter who's back home from university

YOUR daughter has finally deigned to come home for the weekend, only to act too good for spaghetti hoops in front of The Chase. Here’s how to impress her: 

Ask her to remove her shoes

The most urbane hosts know it is unseemly to wear one’s outdoor shoes in the house. Granted, you may not have wall-to-wall white carpets but the respect you show that cheap laminate floor should create an air of refinement anyway. Maybe install a proper rack where the ‘shoe pile’ happily resided for the 18 years before your daughter decided rooting through it every morning was beneath her.

Know your coffee 

In her southern university town there’s a café for every two students, vastly exceeding the amount of accommodation available. Ordering a ‘milky coffee’ in the local greasy spoon will no longer pass muster. Try taking her somewhere with an exposed wall feature, like the garden centre. She’ll turn her nose up but it’s genuinely the fanciest place your small town has to offer.

Brush up on your general knowledge 

After two months at the University of Reading, your daughter believes her education to be far superior to yours. No need to go too in-depth, but perhaps you could pre-watch an episode of University Challenge and floor your daughter with a well-timed answer about classical music or the history of Latin America. She’ll tut and roll her eyes, but you’ll still feel clever.

Spruce up your meals 

Now she has been exposed to all the culinary delights on offer in a cosmopolitan place like Bangor, hoops on toast will no longer be good enough, so throw some sprigs of rosemary in the mash or add a glug of wine to the Bisto. Though she might not admit it, anything you make her is going to be better than a takeaway sushi platter on its fourth unrefrigerated day in her halls kitchen.

Take her somewhere culturally enriching 

After experiencing the intellectual excitement of a student production of A Streetcar Named Desire, your daughter will have a high bar when it comes to cultural activities. Why not take her to see the local am-dram group honking and shimmying their way through Mamma Mia at the town hall? At the very least it might be so bad that she’ll crack a smile for once.