If City win let's just call the season there, football fans agree

FANS of Premier League clubs have agreed that if Manchester City win today’s match against Liverpool they may as well just call the whole season for them.

Tired of watching the Qatar-backed club steamroller all opposition on their inevitable route to another title, fans are unwilling to put up with six months of dead rubbers just to see Pep Guardiola hoist a cup.

Aston Villa fan Joe Turner said: “If Liverpool get something tomorrow, it could be on. I mean it probably isn’t, but it would at least be fun to pretend.

“But if City win and they go three to five points clear, do we really have to go through the farce of pretending they won’t just run away with it yet again? For whose benefit? City fans?

“It’s like when I flicked off Taken 3 after the second ad-break: we all know where this is going, it won’t be as interesting as the first time, the washing-up needs doing. Why bother sitting through it?

“We’re happy to call the league as it stands. Bottom three go down, whoever’s in the top four goes to Europe, the rest of us get a nice rest. Saves us all the trouble.”

He added: “Well done City etcetera. Even you know you’ll be happier when you’re shit again.”

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'Chance of a shag' vs 'I hope he's romantic': First date aspirations by gender

GOING on a first date? Here’s what you’ll be hoping to get out of it depending on your sex.

‘I hope he’s romantic’

Could he be the one? You yearn to be treated like a lady by a proper hearts-and-flowers type of guy. Not looking to rush into sex, but willing to wait and woo you like you’re in an episode of Downtown Abbey. On the other hand, you don’t want him to be some freaky creep who’ll cling to you like a limpet and whip out an engagement ring within a fortnight. Just someone nice and normal. Is it really too much to ask?

‘There’d better be a chance of a shag’

Though you’d claim otherwise if asked, you’re mainly meeting this woman because there’s a chance you might get some sex. That’s what dating is all about, right? However, you don’t want someone who has slept with half the town, just in case there’s a spark and you want to take her home to your mum. Virginal yet experienced would be ideal.

‘I hope I’ve got my outfit right’

Not so tarty that you look like you’re gagging for it, but not so frumpy he’s put off because you dress like his auntie. Blouse slightly open but not too revealing. Skirt just above the knees but no shorter. You want him to be attracted to you, but not think you’ll put out on the first date, even though you might, if he’s not a massive dickhead. God, this is exhausting.

‘Is she looking at my bald spot?’

While women worry about the overall picture in terms of how they look, men concentrate on the details. Can she tell you’re thinning on top? Does she think a signet ring is naff? Has she noticed that you’re two inches shorter than you claimed to be on Tinder? It doesn’t really matter, though, because you not being a total wanker is what she’s mainly looking for, and that will go a long way in terms of excusing the bucket hat you’ve inexplicably chosen to wear today.

‘Will he be a gentleman and offer to pay?’

You don’t expect men to pay, but you like it if they offer. You also like it if they don’t grab the card reader and insist they’ve got it when you suggest going halves. You’ve found men who do that tend to expect something in return, and there’s nothing less of a turn on than a bloke who thinks you’ll be impressed because you’ve seen his Club Lloyds Silver Account card.

‘We’re going halves if she’s not up for it’

No sense in spending money on her if she’s not up for a first date consummation. You’re missing the football for this, and she’d better appreciate the sacrifice. Best weigh up the situation and only offer to do the gentlemanly thing if you’re definitely going to get your end away. And given that this is the way that your mind works, you’ll be lucky if you get so much as a polite handshake.