KIDS have any number of things to entertain themselves with, but they’ll come back to the same tedious obsessions until you never want to see a T-Rex again. Here are some of them.
What is it with dinosaurs? They’re just big lizards who are all dead. However as a parent you will be expected to do a passable T-Rex impression at the drop of a hat and accept harsh criticism for confusing a Stegosaurus with a bloody Triceratops. Your kid isn’t going to be the world’s next great palaeontologist either, although it might help with pub triv when they’re 40.
Bafflingly popular and printed onto every bit of tat you can imagine, Peppa Pig is a god among small children. You might think the short five-minute episodes are a blessing, but they’re not because you’ll still have to watch them a billion times, wishing there was one where Peppa, her annoying brother, overbearing mother and fat shit of a Dad get turned into bacon sandwiches.
Before the kids came along, your bed was a refuge for sleep and sex. Fast forward a bit and your bed is no longer sacred. Now it’s a child’s social hub, handy for being comforted, a pleasant change from their bed and an excellent place to leave Dairylea Dunker crumbs. And forget about the sex.
When they’re not trying to boot them to death with a furious fire in their eyes, they’re trying to catch them. Given the choice between a brand new PlayStation and a trip to Trafalgar Square, the average four-year-old would prefer to head to Zone 1 and spend the day wildly flailing at these scraggly birds like a tiny pissed-up football hooligan.
They don’t just love boxes more than the expensive Christmas presents that came in them – they love them more than you. Call the little bastards’ bluff for once and just get them a box.