Plans great until you have to actually f**king do them

MAKING plans with friends is excellent until you have to leave the house and do the sodding thing, it has emerged.

Britons have confirmed that while organising things from the comfort of your sofa is brilliant, actually having to do them is shit.

Office worker Nathan Muir said: “A month ago a group of us arranged to go to for a nice meal and grab a few drinks afterwards. I can’t believe we were so stupid.

“Now the night has actually arrived I really can’t be arsed. I’m praying someone cancels so I can just sit and watch Netflix in my pants.

“Is it wrong to hope one of my friends has a non-fatal accident?

“It’s like when we decided it would be a laugh to go camping. Two months before I was looking forward to it but on the day I was seriously considering breaking one of my fingers.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “Research shows humans are good at imagining things like a pleasant country walk, but subsequently are reluctant to leave their ‘comfort zone’.

“Another theory is they’re just lazy bastards.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Unite behind me you twats, says May at cross-party talks

THE prime minister has asked the twat leaders of other parties she clearly despises to unite behind her and her Brexit deal immediately.

This morning at cross-party talks Theresa May attempted to bring the nation’s representatives together with barely disguised contempt and a torrent of colourful abuse.

May said: “Overwhelmingly the British people want us to get on with delivering Brexit, the dumb fucking clucks.

“So now you shower of wankers have made clear what you don’t want, we must all work together constructively, even though you are all useless tossers.

“Now is the time to put self-interest aside, for you dickheads. You have a duty to act in the national interest, so shut the fuck up and do what I say.  

“Never mind that I’ve spent years condescendingly ignoring your questions in parliament. Hey, Scottish woman, stop playing with the biscuits and pay attention.”

Lib Dem leader Vince Cable said: “Apparently I can shove my second referendum up my geriatric ballroom-dancing arse. Which is refreshing to hear.”