Posh wankers begin planning baffling skiing trips

AS winter approaches, posh tossers have begun planning their annual skiing trips involving weird things normal people never do.

Thousands of privileged Britons are booking holidays featuring punishing physical exercise, impenetrable terminology and excessive consumption of melted cheese.

Corporate lawyer Nathan Muir said: “To be honest I get more out of saying dramatic things like ‘Petra only bloody ended up on a black run by mistake!’ than the actual skiing.

“Sliding down a hill dressed as a toddler is okay, but for me it’s all about five-star private chalets and consuming food and beverages like goose and hot wine that were last popular in the 1800s.

“I also love our hearty ski conversations, such as ‘Thank god it was a gondola, not a button lift!’. Of course, you wouldn’t know what those are, which is kind of the point.”

Fellow skier Francesca Johnson said: “Anything less than a hot tub, champagne on tap and a personal butler to flick cashews at is unacceptable. And of course there’s the aprés-ski.

“I think it means ‘getting drunk with a Norwegian’, but it could just be something to say to make the riff-raff feel left out.”

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Shit dance totally works

A FUCKING awful dance has completely succeeded in distracting from the vapid reassurances and outright lies of Theresa May’s speech, Britain has confirmed.

The prime minister’s usual falsehoods about Brexit and how caring the Tories are went unchallenged by a nation left shellshocked by her ‘Abba dance’.

Tom Booker of Colchester said: “Bloody hell. Muffin the Mule was more lifelike than that. It was worse than the computer animation in 80s pop videos.

“Boris Johnson can’t match that for spectacle. I reckon – and 24 hours ago, I’d have denied anyone could ever speak these words – Jacob Rees-Mogg could dance better than that.

“What did she say? Something about Brexit being totally sorted and everyone getting pay rises, I think. I’d check in the newspapers but they’re all just full of the dance.

“Imagine knowing that’s on tape forever. Whoever advised her to do that, they’re getting sacked. She said some other stuff but all I can think of is the dance.”

Jeremy Corbyn is now planning to distract from awkward issues at the next Labour conference with a video showing the agonising awkwardness with which he makes love.