Quarantine is the new skiing holiday, middle classes confirm

THE middle classes have confirmed that anyone returning to work or school without at least 10 days quarantine should be looked down on. 

Well-to-do holidaymakers are heading off to a range of destinations that will shortly be added to the UK’s quarantine list and intend to wear it as a badge of pride.

Accountant Julian Cook said: “We call it ‘Q’. As in, ‘Had to do 14 days Q after our break in Mauritius. Worth it though. Just so marvellous to have a change of scene.’

“Our socials are buzzing with it. Just yesterday Sophie was headed off to the South of France saying she’d probably have to go in Q when she got home. So many jealous comments.

“It won’t make any difference to our lifestyle, because we all work remotely and get everything delivered and the prep school’s very good about teaching online.

“Of course the real dream is being locked down over there. Imagine the kudos of having a Zoom meeting from your auberge in the Swiss Alps and complaining about how the bloody government won’t let you back home. Exquisite.

“It’s great that when a global pandemic strikes all you have to do is complain about the inconvenience to your lifestyle. I think it’s actually better than skiing.”

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Government advice versus actual life-saving advice: how do they compare?

IT’S the daily dilemma we face. Do we listen to the badly thought-out, science-free recommendations of Johnson and Hancock, or listen to the experts? Let’s find out. 


Government advice: Travel! Spend! Book holidays! Hop on a plane and have it large in Spain. But be prepared to be caged like a rabid dog once you’re back in Britain.

Actual life-saving advice: Stay the f**k away from Europe. Camp in your back garden.


Government advice: Drink! Spend! Booze it up like it’s the Cheltenham Festival. Get pissed and forget you’re not meant to snog strangers. But don’t blame us if you end up on a ventilator.

Actual life-saving advice: Stay in with Sainsbury’s special offer wine. Zoom. Don’t go near a pub until later this century.


Government advice: Get back to work! Spend money commuting! Buy new suits and have drinks after work. Show the EU what we’re made of by cramming cheek by jowl on public transport to work. Let’s ‘do or die’. Or ‘do and die’. 

Actual life-saving advice: Stay at home in your pants, especially if your job is a badly paid, soul-destroying one like ringing strangers and telling them you understand they were recently involved in an accident. 


Government advice: Get thinner by running to Nando’s and back again with your cash-off vouchers. 

Actual life-saving advice: Stay at home. Grow vegetables. When they’re nice and rotten, don a mask, gather in Whitehall and throw them at cabinet ministers arriving at Downing Street.