Random things you can wear on your feet that are better than flip-flops

FLIP-FLOPS are shit. Plastic bags held on with elastic bands would look more stylish and keep your feet cleaner. So what other things could you use?

Road kill

Slide your feet into what are essentially real life versions of those big fluffy animal slippers people seem to love. A bit unhygienic, but not much more so than flip-flops.

Verruca socks

Given that flip-flops should only be worn to keep you a safe distance above a verruca-infested changing room floor at a sports centre, why not just go the whole hog and wear the weird socks all the time?

Blocks of ice

You want your feet to be cool, right? Pop them in buckets of water and add liquid nitrogen for instant freezing. As a bonus, this will probably make your feet fall off, solving all your footwear problems instantly.

Cheese strings

If you’re a bit of an oddball who enjoys the feel of something between your toes, why not construct your footwear from cheese strings? It will have the same consistency as those thongy bits of flip-flops, smells the same and you can eat it later.

Shoes

Shoes were made for a purpose, the main one of which is to stop us having to look at each other’s horrible feet. Wear some.

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How to survive the beer shortage

THIS week the UK faced the ultimate nightmare scenario – a beer shortage. So how can you survive without the precious, life-giving alcohol drink? Read our guide.

Become a wine buff

Take an interest in wine. When you start droning on about soil types while showing people the bottle as if it’s really interesting, you’ll know you’ve become a fully-fledged wine ponce.

Drink the absolute shite no one else will touch

Start drinking 9% horrors like Special Brew. If local street drinkers have snapped up all the Spesh and Tennents, most corner shops sell even more revolting brands with strange names like ‘Bear’s Dungeon’.

Sadly these brews tend to make you – to put it bluntly – mental, so next time you have a few beers don’t be surprised if you wake up in a petting zoo with no trousers on.

Ask for help from Alcoholics Anonymous

Visit a local AA meeting and ask them to help you give up beer but not any other type of alcohol, which you love and intend to keep drinking. They’re sure to be sympathetic.

Brew your own

Unfortunately beer takes ages to ferment, but you can always open it early and boost the alcohol content with cheap vodka. You won’t be ruining the flavour because all homebrew tastes like yeasty squirrel’s piss anyway.

Kill people for their beer

Form a Mad Max-style gang of marauders and roam around stealing beer from decent people. If they resist, show no mercy and slaughter them with axes, shotguns and flamethrowers.

Actually this is probably a bit of an overreaction. Probably better to just wait until Tesco gets some new stocks of Heineken in.

Become teetotal

Yeah right.

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