Reed diffusers, and other household objects men struggle to understand

HOME can be a confusing place for men, who find themselves surrounded by shit they cannot comprehend. Here, bewildered bloke Martin Bishop explains.

Reed diffusers

Half-a-dozen bits of twig stood in a jar of oil. What’s that about? Apparently they make the place smell nice, but what’s the point when I’ve been eating a takeaway jalfrezi on my lap and the living room already smells as good as when I walk past the Taj Mahal curry house in town?

Excessive cushions

Eight on the sofa, five on the bed. Why? There’s only two of us, how comfortable do we need to be? Though admittedly, they do come in handy when I get home too pissed to manage the stairs and chuck them on the floor as a makeshift bed.

House plants

Plants are meant to live outside, where all the sunshine and rain and things they need to survive are. Keeping them indoors is completely illogical, but that didn’t stop me getting in the shit when I used it as an excuse for accidentally killing them when my wife was on that girls holiday in Turkey.

Table runners

A thin strip of cloth that nowhere near covers the width of the table. What’s it for, aside from getting me a bollocking when I stood my coffee mug on it and left a circular stain? I was trying to avoid marking the varnish, which is also a crime. Such a mystery.

Full-length mirror

The only thing I need a mirror for is to shave in, or occasionally brush my hair, and the little one on the bathroom wall is perfect. How can anyone need to check what they’re wearing when they’ve just put their clothes on and can look down at themselves?

Pillar candles

Huge bloody things. Two on the fireplace, another on the dining table. And none of them have ever been lit. It’s like living in a cross between a Catholic cathedral and the blackouts of the 70s. Come to think of it, we could burn them to save having the lights on this winter. I’ll suggest it tonight, she’s bound to think it’s a brilliant idea.

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I remain very much the victim here, asserts Putin

PRESIDENT Putin has asserted that he, and his poor beleaguered invading army, remain very much the victims in Ukraine.

In a self-pitying speech to Russia this morning, Putin explained that he and his troops were peaceably occupying Ukrainian territory when the West started picking on them like a bunch of bullies.

He continued: “Why? What have we done to you?

“My fellow Russians, I know you don’t want to believe this, but when our soldiers rolled into Ukraine expecting to be welcomed with open arms, you know what they did? Shot at us.

“I know! And it’s only got worse because the West keeps supplying them with weapons so of course they’re going to use them because they’re spoilt.

“They’re even trying to stop our referendums now, if you entertained a moment’s doubt about who the bad guys are here. Opposing democracy. It doesn’t get much worse than that.

“So, purely as an anti-bullying initiative, I’m mobilising 300,000 reservists and we’ve got nukes. Who mentioned nukes? I didn’t mention nukes. They said it first.”