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Run squawking through an Edinburgh Wool Mill and a fetish shop: how to get Claudia's Traitors style

CLAUDIA Winkleman’s outfits on The Traitors have ordinary people aghast and divorced authoritarian middle-managers wondering how to get the look. Follow these tips: 

Go to Scotland

Travel north of the border – no, not the one between Watford and the civilised world, but the one past that where there used to be a wall – and observe the fashions. Not the ordinary Scot in Trespass coat and jeans, but the fashions you see on shortbread tins and tourist sites. Then, with a twist of your perverted mind, sex them up.

Get yourself tarred and feathered

Either by a craftsman you’re paying in heroin, the Scots currency, or by visiting a small Highland village and behaving like a slut so they’ll do it for free. Once tarred up locate your nearest Edinburgh Wool Mill with an adjoining shop selling fetishwear; there are known locations in Dumfries, Stirling, Kirkcaldy and Fort William.

Tumble wildly through both locales

Allow the tar to pick up tartans, sporrans, rubber chaps and leather corsets as you fall through the shops, feigning typical Scottish mid-morning drunkenness. Grab handfuls. Imagine you’re dressing William Wallace in his over-exuberant ‘I’ve just come out and I’m hitting the Glasgow gay clubs’ phase.

Dress to clash

Now you’ve got your wardrobe, choose only the most clashing items. Bondage pants and arisaid? Dirk and nipple clamps? Bagpipes and gimp suit? All are perfect for presenting a BBC parlour game and remember, heels should be spiked.

Wear it for ten minutes of screen time maximum

Remember, fashion is about making an entrance and once everyone’s gaped at your kilt-and-strap-on combo, you’ve had the value out of it. For the next segment slip into something new and even more transgressive. Perhaps a skin suit made of Nicola Sturgeon?

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Brexit: why did nobody point out there could be downsides?

AS the chancellor blames Brexit for damaging the UK’s economy, we ask: why didn’t anyone suggest there could be negative effects back in 2016? 

It’s all very well telling the International Monetary Fund that it’s delivered a four per cent hit to our economy now. But it would have been genuinely useful for this information to be imparted in the years following the Leave vote.

Perhaps if the populace knew then they faced years of decline, they would have considered a softer Brexit or even a second referendum, rather than rushing headlong into the unknown.

Where were the economists then? Where was the principled opposition raising inconvenient facts? Caught up in the same excitement to throw off the shackles of tyranny as everyone else, no doubt.

And it’s not just the economy. These small boats never happened before Brexit. A few words about the consequences of withdrawing from EU immigration agreements would have been helpful!

Well, as Boris Johnson said when criticised for lack of planning at the Covid enquiry yesterday, everything is clear in hindsight. Actually he was prime minister when Brexit happened, though don’t make too much of that. An amusing coincidence, is all.

But, just as it would have been helpful if the realities of global warming were pointed out in the 1980s, perhaps next time there’s a looming disaster these clever dicks could speak up sooner.

Never mind, it’s done now so we shall have to make the best of it. How about a Reform government? Anyone got any reason why not? Didn’t think so.

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