AFTER a full nine minutes on an American website, you’ve successfully diagnosed your ex as a narcissist. This explains why the relationship was toxic and why you want her back:
She has incredible breasts
Narcissists are obsessed with constant admiration, which manifests itself in behaviours like low-cut tops and sending you cleavage shots before the second date. Nice, normal girls don’t do that. She used sex as a weapon to hurt you. You were okay with it.
You were punching
The classic narc will seek a partner they regard as beneath themselves, which offers them feelings of control and superiority. It also meant that your mates were jealous and there was pub-based speculation about the size of your appendage. There isn’t now. Just silence.
She love-bombed you
Narcissists begin by showering their victims with adoration and praise, trying to progress the relationship as quickly as possible. In your case, this translated into first-date oral and that’s never, ever going to happen again so what’s a personality disorder in comparison?
She had a tempestuous nature
You nod along to a webpage all about how you were drawn into a toxic mix of gaslighting, destabilising mood changes and buying Balenciaga shoes on your credit card when you were in the shower. It sounds far better how she described it, that she was fiery and of Latin temperament even though she was from Goole. Four times in one night once.
She had no empathy
It was always about her feelings and never about yours. Though now you only remember the positives of that, like when she was on top and your role was to be supportive and get ridden. Were your feelings really worth more than that, looking back? Do you feel better now?
She hoovered you
No, not like that. Well, sometimes like that. Hoovering is a term for when a narc has discarded their prey but – fearing loneliness and lack of praise – tries to win them back. As such, there’s a real chance if you call her with this diagnosis you’d end up in bed together within the hour. You’d pay for her Uber over.
