Rural couple sell country cottage to live dream life of making shitloads of money in city

A COUPLE have given up their life in the country to pursue their dream of earning enormous salaries and living in a tiny property in London. 

Tom Logan and Donna Sheridan, who grew up and lived in Dorset, decided they had had enough of the stresses of running a small chicken farm in a close-knit country community. 

As a result they sold their four-bedroom country cottage to a middle-class family with a ludicrously romantic view of the countryside and bought a one-bedroom flat in Hackney.

Logan said: “I think we both felt oppressed by the pace of country life, the sub-Heartbeat existence in which the highlight of your life is the fortnightly pub quiz. 

“We both decided we wanted the excitement of a 13-hour working day making stupid money in hedge funds. We both felt we were ready for a faster pace of life, with bullshit power lunches and not having time to go to the toilet.

“It’s so much better being a big swinging dick in the City. And the fumes! I feel as if I’m living the words of Samuel Johnson: he who tires of air pollution is tired of life.” 

Sheridan said: “I just love the buzz of long Tube journeys and having so many armpits to smell. I don’t think I’ve taken the time to step back and really appreciate a grimy tunnel before. 

“Best of all we’re making money we’ll never get time to spend and we’ve got a strong chance of total burn-out at 40. This is the life.”

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Letting your partner buy your clothes, and other things that make you a pathetic man baby

ARE you a man who allows your partner to buy your underpants for you? Here are the other ways she’s accidentally strayed into parenting you:

Never organising your own social events

Have you settled into the comfortable groove of a long-term relationship and handed responsibility for your social diary to your partner? Do you think meeting up with ‘the lads’ for a beer once every six months counts as making an effort? Does your wife or girlfriend organise every other occasion, including ones involving your own family? Then you can’t really bitch about spending every weekend drinking with her best mate’s husband who you think is a prick.

Being reminded to do chores

You’re an adult, allegedly in an equal partnership, so why is it that your girlfriend does all the household chores and you do none, apart from putting the bins out, and only if you are reminded? While you may claim not to ‘see dust’, you can definitely see the huge pile of washing up that has piled up in the kitchen. She’s going to be f**king furious when she gets back, and is considering leaving you, so maybe it’s worth sorting out? And don’t deviously leave everything ‘to soak’. 

Not making your own appointments

When you were a little boy your mummy made your dentist and doctor’s appointments, and took you to the optician when she noticed you squinting idiotically at the telly. It’s important to remember that your partner is not your mummy and you can do these things yourself now. At least it is if you don’t want her to realise you’re a feeble little five-year-old trapped in an IT consultant’s body.

Constantly asking where things are

Do you constantly misplace your phone, keys or wallet? Do you ask your partner where they are on a daily basis? Well, guess what? You’re not endearingly forgetful, you’re a tedious pain in the arse who appears to need to be parented the same amount as your actual children. Get a grip on yourself, for f**k’s sake. Although you could try tying all your possessions together, like mittens.

Letting your partner buy your clothes

Whether you have no sense of style or are just a lazy bastard, there is absolutely no excuse for letting your partner buy your clothes for you. It doesn’t matter that she enjoys going shopping and you don’t, just man up and get to Next. If you’re happy with your partner purchasing a multipack of boxer shorts with the days of the week written on the waistband you have no business wondering why she isn’t interested in shagging you anymore.