Self-proclaimed 'fag hag' has one gay friend

A STRAIGHT woman who likes to call herself a ‘fag hag’ only actually has one gay male friend, it has emerged.

Despite being heterosexual herself, Kelly Howard enjoys watching drag queens and listening to the music of Kylie Minogue, and believes that these qualities give her a unique affinity with gay people.

She said: “The phrase is less widely used these days but I still like it. It’s affectionate. I’m basically a modern-day Cher or Judy Garland, but one who works in consulting.

“Some people might say there’s no point spending time with gay blokes, as they aren’t going to sleep with me, but I disagree. Particularly when we have something important in common, namely that we both like penises.

“And it’s not like I’m getting nothing out of it. In return for me laughing at their silly Grindr antics, they listen to my actual, serious relationship problems. It’s a win-win.”

Kelly’s sole gay friend Tom Logan said: “I don’t know where she’s got this idea from. Apart from me and one of her second cousins, who’s a lesbian, she’s never met any gays.

“Plus, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with her using the term. Am I supposed to be the ‘fag’? What the f**k, Kelly?”

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Fearless man risks wank while waiting in for parcel

A COURAGEOUS hero took the plunge and started tugging away while waiting in for his Amazon delivery, it has emerged.

Jordan Gardner, aged 39, set a precedent for horny men everywhere when he started a full-blown masturbation session during a worryingly unspecific 8am-5pm delivery window.

Gardner said: “I had the day off work and the house was empty. I rarely get an opportunity to knock one out anywhere in the house other than the shower, so I had to make the most of it.

“But I was expecting a parcel and Amazon never give you a precise time, which meant I could have been mid-pull when the guy rang the bell. And I’m not having him leaving my new Bose headphones on the doorstep, there are some real degenerates in this area.

“So it was risky opening PornHub and getting down to it, but it did add an extra thrilling tension, knowing it could all go horribly wrong at any second. A bit like Russian roulette, but for wanking.

“Unfortunately I did have to keep one eye on the driveway throughout, so when I finally reached my climax I was looking at Roy from next door taking his bins out. I’ll never be able to look him in the eye again.”