Should you book a cruise or read the news?

IN the current crisis, it’s hard to know whether to book a holiday or to do a minuscule amount of research into quite how up shit creek the world is at the moment. Here’s how to figure it out.

You’ve been looking forward to a rest

Have you been desperate for some time out all year? Wouldn’t it be unfair if you, having pretended to work very hard from home during lockdown, miss out on your chance to reset?

It might, however, be worth perusing the headlines to see the kind of relaxing breaks on offer, such as: no hotels, no shagging the locals and the whole two weeks spent in your destination country’s mandatory quarantine.

You need some sunsets for the ‘gram

Social media pressure can be a strong motivator for travel, and if it is the key driver in your life then definitely go on holiday. How can you keep your 97 followers happy if they don’t get to look at what passes for your abs by a pool?

Due to it not being a good idea to spread deadly virus across international borders, you’ll probably have to scale your sunsets back from Palm Beach to Padstow. And even then it’s likely that irate locals will drive you out with pitchforks like a pound shop Gordon Ramsay.

You fancy an adventure

If like millions of people you think a change of scenery will lift you out of your pandemic-induced misery, book a holiday somewhere far-flung and exotic. Apparently Brazil is great this time of year.

Or you could read the news and discover a whole new adventure awaiting you, in the form of your COVID-ravaged corpse being repatriated after a six-month wait in a temporary beach morgue. You could do it for the likes, but it’s doubtful you’ll get any.

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Couple suddenly panicking that wedding may be on

A COUPLE who were secretly relieved that their September wedding would probably have to be postponed are now terrified they might have to go through with it.

Emma Bradford and Tom Booker initially expressed devastation when their ‘dream day’ was jeopardised by the pandemic, but are now instead feeling a creeping dread that it may actually take place.

Bradford said: “That’s the thing with dreams, they don’t usually happen. It turns out I preferred getting married when it was an imaginary event very far away in the future.

“On top of that, weeks of social isolation has shown me how little I want to get 100 people I can hardly stand drunk at my own expense.

“With it indefinitely postponed I got everyone’s sympathy but without actually have to sign a legal document pledging my loyalty to a mid-level accountant who keeps trying to make his own ale.”

Booker said: “It took lockdown to realise that spending all my time with Emma is emphatically not what I want to do for the rest of my life.

“Besides I’ve mentally already spent my half of the returned deposit on a beer fridge and a PlayStation 5.”