Six Christmas gifts for the gammon in your life

WONDERING what to get that relative who’s a permanently angry fanatical Brexiter? Look no further – here’s the perfect selection: 

Tickets to Question Time

The equivalent of taking a theatre buff to see Mark Rylance in Richard III. Try to attend one in a solid Leave area like Lincolnshire with a big name like Francois or Farage and a hate figure like Anna Soubry they can have a good boo at.

A Jacob Rees-Mogg playset

It takes little effort to combine a farm and mansion playset into a replica of Rees-Mogg’s Gloucestershire mansion. Then make Jacob and his chums by adapting charity shop action figures, adding a tiny, ill-fitting double-breasted suit for him and a drawn-on scowl for Annunziata.

Anger management classes

Being furious is part of the fun of Brexit so they won’t thank you for this, but their heart will. Think of it as buying a Fitbit for a seriously obese friend.

A romantic weekend at Bovington Tank Festival

If, God help you, you’re romantically involved with a gammon, what could be a nicer gift than spending quality time together reliving World War Two? The photo of them poking proudly out of a Challenger turret will be their Facebook profile pic for years to come.

A Richard Littlejohn book

Everyone gets a ‘funny’ book for Christmas, and leading gammon Littlejohn has turned out tons of interchangable volumes about politically correct Britain. And due to being unreadable they’re great value for money, with copies available on Amazon for as little as £0.01.

Brexit

You can’t really get them Brexit for Christmas, obviously, because the Brexit they want is impossible and not real, but gifts like pro-Brexit mugs are freely available. If they want the real thing they’ll have to wait until Christmas 2025, or much later.

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Corbyn gets coveted Pete Doherty endorsement

LABOUR are thought to be on the verge of victory after winning the much-coveted endorsement of Libertines frontman Pete Doherty. 

Doherty, a much-respected political kingmaker and lifelong drug addict, gave his endorsement from the stage of a Manchester gig last night, leaving the Tories facing electoral disaster.

Political analyst Denys Finch Hatton said: “The Conservatives can’t come back from this. They’re finished.

“For most of the last 20 years, general elections have been decided based on endorsements from the stars of 00s indie. Gordon Brown lost in 2010 when the Arctic Monkeys’ Alex Turner withdrew his support, while Nick Clegg surged with backing from Brandon Flowers.

“But Doherty’s the big daddy of them all. It’s widely thought that Labour only lost in 2017 because he was in a crack den and issued his endorsement a fortnight too late.”

Doherty said: “I’ve been carefully weighing all the various factors – Brexit, austerity, the probability of a hung parliament – and, though not without reservations, Corbyn’s my choice.

“Now, where can I get a massive breakfast and some heroin?”