THINK it’s funny to be the kind of bellend who gives your pet a ‘creative’ name which will embarrass the vet? Try these:
Sir Horatio Pussington McKittingley III
Wow, aren’t you hilarious giving your cat an incredibly long name suggesting he’s an 18th century sea captain or something? But what’s really funny is that you and everyone else will be calling him ‘Puss’ within ten minutes of his stupidly elaborate naming ceremony which you film for TikTok, you twat.
Craig
You’ve wittily chosen a dull human name for your fussy little chihuahua, which is amusing for a while but you begin to regret it when you realise he’s going to live for up to fifteen years and you’re saddled with a f**king boring name for the entire time.
Bella
Even worse than picking a generic human name for a dog is picking a generic dog name. As well as having a Labradoodle named Bella, you probably have children called Olivia and Jack, a house with a tasteful grey interior, a Land Rover Evoque and a ‘Live, laugh, love’ cushion on your sofa. In other words, no imagination.
Princess Twilight Sparkle
You let your nine year-old daughter name the kitten back in 2010 and it seemed cutely appropriate for them both. Now your daughter has left home and the cat is a gnarly old thing with torn ears and missing teeth. Also, you’ve spent the last decade wondering if everyone in the vet’s waiting room thinks you’re a Bronie when Princess Twilight Sparkle’s name is called out in full, every sodding time.
The Bastard
That cute little bunny is going to be the opposite of a bastard, you think, smiling to yourself as you give it this ironic moniker on the way home from the pet shop. Unfortunately it turns out to bite, scratch, chew cables and generally be the epitome of a bastard, so the joke is on you.
Adolf Hitler
What could be more fun than making the veterinary nurse call out ‘Adolf Hitler’ in a roomful of people? Well, as far as the vet is concerned, it’s rinsing you for thousands of pounds worth of unnecessary treatments, you stupid prick.
