Six excellent pet names if you're a dickhead

THINK it’s funny to be the kind of bellend who gives your pet a ‘creative’ name which will embarrass the vet? Try these:

Sir Horatio Pussington McKittingley III

Wow, aren’t you hilarious giving your cat an incredibly long name suggesting he’s an 18th century sea captain or something? But what’s really funny is that you and everyone else will be calling him ‘Puss’ within ten minutes of his stupidly elaborate naming ceremony which you film for TikTok, you twat.


You’ve wittily chosen a dull human name for your fussy little chihuahua, which is amusing for a while but you begin to regret it when you realise he’s going to live for up to fifteen years and you’re saddled with a f**king boring name for the entire time.


Even worse than picking a generic human name for a dog is picking a generic dog name. As well as having a Labradoodle named Bella, you probably have children called Olivia and Jack, a house with a tasteful grey interior, a Land Rover Evoque and a ‘Live, laugh, love’ cushion on your sofa. In other words, no imagination.

Princess Twilight Sparkle

You let your nine year-old daughter name the kitten back in 2010 and it seemed cutely appropriate for them both. Now your daughter has left home and the cat is a gnarly old thing with torn ears and missing teeth. Also, you’ve spent the last decade wondering if everyone in the vet’s waiting room thinks you’re a Bronie when Princess Twilight Sparkle’s name is called out in full, every sodding time.

The Bastard

That cute little bunny is going to be the opposite of a bastard, you think, smiling to yourself as you give it this ironic moniker on the way home from the pet shop. Unfortunately it turns out to bite, scratch, chew cables and generally be the epitome of a bastard, so the joke is on you.

Adolf Hitler

What could be more fun than making the veterinary nurse call out ‘Adolf Hitler’ in a roomful of people? Well, as far as the vet is concerned, it’s rinsing you for thousands of pounds worth of unnecessary treatments, you stupid prick.

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Starmer to throw drowning man half a life ring at some point in future

QUICK-THINKING Labour leader Keir Starmer reassured a drowning man that he was looking at fully-costed plans to rescue him in the months to come.

While buying a sandwich near Labour HQ, Starmer saw Tom Logan struggling in the Thames, and immediately realised he must act cautiously in a way that did not upset the right-wing press.

Starmer said: “I told him to tread water as best he could, and I’d draw up anti-drowning plans that would make a real difference to his circumstances before the winter.

“I’d have liked to have thrown him the life ring that was just nearby, but that could have left me open to accusations of profligacy by the Tories. The last thing we need is a repeat of Liam Byrne’s ‘There is no money’ gaffe.

“I’d prefer to give each drowning person half a life ring each, even if it fills with water. It’s sensible economics, and something I will raise in policy discussions over the coming months.”

Logan, who was rescued by a tourist boat in the nick of time, said: “I was shouting ‘Help me, help me now!’ but he said he needed to ‘check the optics’ with a focus group first.

“I was about to go under and screamed ‘Just do what needs to be done!’. He said ‘Don’t worry, the Labour Party are on the side of hard-pressed working families who pay tax’. Then he walked off.”