Why free tampons are the end of human civilisation. By Roy Hobbs

SO. It’s happened. In a move sure to spread like bubonic plague, Scotland has decided to make period products free in a final victory for the feminazi stormtroopers of woke.

Schools and council buildings will be giving away sanitary towels like there’s no tomorrow. And soon women in the rest of the UK will want their own period bonanza too. Monkey see, monkey want to insert free tampons, as they say.

Men don’t get free razors, and not shaving is exactly the same as a discharge of menstrual blood. The worst thing though is turning men into second-class citizens. All because we’ve got a penis, although I expect feminists would like to chop that off in the name of ‘equality’ so we all have to sit down on the loo.

What next? Free cars, free clothes, free holidays? Will women get free houses, while men have to pay a mortgage? Or are not allowed to own a house at all? It’s a slippery slope – first it’s sanitary towels, then it’s concentration camps.

And who’s paying for this? Men, who earn more than women anyway. Have women thought what happens when the economy’s in ruins thanks to frittering our wealth on expensive sanitary products? No, because they don’t have logical brains. That’s just a scientific fact.

As women in every nation demand free tampons, the global economy will crash and we’ll return to the Dark Ages. Our gleaming modern cities – built by men – will be overgrown ruins while mankind is reduced to subsistence farming and wolves take the sick and dying.

In this age of tampon tyranny it’s only a matter of time before female police officers turn up on my doorstep with a dress, and say: ‘Wear this, Mr Hobbs, and report for your surgery in a week’s time.’ Yes, I actually believe that.

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Delightfully quirky or attention-seeking pain in the arse: which one are you?

NOT all of us can be manic pixie dream girls. Here’s how to tell if your behaviour makes you enjoyably off-beat or just unbearable to be around.

What are some of your favourite things?

A) Pineapple on pizza, the smell of petrol (weird, right?) and this really cool, vintage band no-one’s heard of called ‘The Smiths’. The singer used to put flowers in his pockets, which is so cute. He’s got some dodgy opinions now, but I ignore that bit.

B) Listening to 19th-century war ballads, diving for pearls, cooking bratwurst and ice-climbing.

Where would you take someone on a first date?

A) Something totally out-there and crazy like axe-throwing or bowling, to check that they can keep up with my wild lifestyle. Then we’d have cocktails at a steampunk-themed bar. That’s still cool, right?

B) An Ecuadorian-Scottish fusion restaurant that has opened next door. Not because I’m desperate to be interesting, but because I can’t leave my pet axolotl on his own for too long.

What’s your job?

A) I work in an indie bookshop by day, but my real passion is the intensely emotional slam poetry I perform at open mics.

B) I’m a veterinary nurse, specialising in a rare breed of flamingo.

Are you currently in a relationship?

A) I’m in a non-exclusive polyamorous open relationship with five different people. It’s hard to keep up with and I have no time to myself, but it’s the most interesting thing about me, according to my friends.

B) I’m happily single.

What are you currently wearing?

A) Dungarees, a pink sparkly cowboy hat, wellies, a black leather jacket and a leopard print bag I got at this amazing vintage shop in Camden. I look pretty quirky, don’t I? Don’t I? Say I do.

B) Nothing. Not even my hair, which I shaved off during the heatwave.

Mostly As:

Congratulations, your try-hard approach has landed you in prime attention-seeking territory. Calm down, and admit to yourself that you actually love Marvel and KFC just like the rest of us. You’ll be happier.

Mostly Bs:

Wow. You might actually be a genuinely interesting and quirky individual. Don’t become aware of it though, or you’ll instantly tip over into being a pretentious twat who collects daguerreotypes and holidays exclusively in the Faroe Islands.