THE most disgusting, unnatural thing you can have is hair on your body. Feel shit about it? Good. Now buy our products and the pain will be worth it:
Legs
The moment the slightest fuzz is detected, sprint to the bathroom and strip it down smooth, trying not to shudder in horror. Then have the skin scrubbed of all its upper layers. Then have the remaining skin bronzed. Photoshop out any blemishes. Basically, if it in any way resembles the original leg it needs more money throwing at it.
Armpits
Reasons why humans evolved underarm hair range from aiding ventilation to preventing skin infection. How horribly unattractive. Get it all gone for the perfect feminine sweaty-and-prickly pits.
Arms
Heard of electrolysis? You pay us staggering amounts to stick electrical wires into your hair cells under your skin to obliterate your hair cells. Doesn’t that sound preferable to hideous, slightly noticeable darker hair on your forearms?
Face
The only thing more precious than money is your limited time on this earth, and if you spend it with hairs on your upper lip or chin that time has been wasted. So spend every spare penny on a painstaking, maddening task like plucking them all out individually, or bleaching them away. Every single fortnight.
Genitals
Having hair on your genitalia is the most heinous sin a woman can commit, and is coincidentally the most painful place to remove hair from. Have you thought about a £50 hot wax procedure? The only common side effects are burns, open wounds, and infections. It’s necessary to be sexy.
Unless you’re a man
In which case here are the chemicals and pills to buy to make you hirsute in all the above places. You should look like a trimmed and waxed bear.
