No-one enjoys having Happy Birthday sung to them

NOT one single person, from one-year-olds to 100-year-olds, enjoys the part of their birthday where everyone sings Happy Birthday, it has emerged. 

Despite it being theoretically a treat, everyone finds the laboured performance of an extremly repetitive song an excruciating ordeal to be endured.

Researcher Stephen Malley said: “The worst bit of any birthday is the mass singing of Happy Birthday, whether by friends, colleagues or family.

“Nobody wants to hear it. The lucky birthday boy or girl can’t bear to make eye contact through its interminable drone so they stare at the floor throughout. The only thing that gets them through it is that there’ll soon be cake to eat.

“Nor do those singing the song enjoy it. They have to be coaxed to, by a manager or mother or an elderly grandparent wearing a party hat. We could drop the entire thing tomorrow and everyone would be equally relieved.”

Facilities manager Jordan Gardner said: “It’s a ridiculous tradition that needs to die. I had to sing it to my boss last week, and he’s not ‘dear Clive’. He’s the f**ker that makes me do unpaid overtime.

“It’s my turn next month. The whole office will gather, like a mob ready to kill, and sing the birthday song. Happy birthday to me.”

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