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Six reasons never to go on a f**king cruise

ALL that positive hantavirus publicity got you thinking of booking a cruise? Before you set sail like a carefree, oceangoing Zack Polanski, consider these reasons not to: 

The passengers

You’re trapped with them. Vacuous, boring bastards in pink polo shirts with wives in their 50s made up to be in their 20s. There’s no escaping the twat who’s immensely proud of setting up the most successful tyre supply business in East Renfrewshire, not on this trip, and keelhauling is sadly outlawed.

The food 

Food is included in the price, or the permanent buffet of shite in the prison-like canteen is. They make it as tasteless as possible to drive you to pay for meals in the very costly restaurants. And if you want a drink? You’ll be ordering it from the barman on every single occasion you need liquid. Yes, there will be a queue.

The entertainment

No entertainer worthy of the name would sign up for three months in a windowless cabin at sea. Plenty of entertainers not worthy of the name will. Given an audience of tossers who believe an Elvis impersonator who can instantly switch to Robbie Williams is astonishing, they will pander to them. Night after night. And you’ll be there because that’s where the gin is.

Seasickness

Seas get rough, and once your lavishly-appointed ship runs into a storm and begins lurching around like a drunken hippo with labyrinthitis everyone will be throwing up. You’ll be confined to your cabin and timing vomiting to when the toilet isn’t slopping water all over the bathroom floor you’re kneeling on.

Viruses

And that’s when the metal container you’re locked in with thousands of strangers doesn’t become an incubator for an exciting new virus, keen to work its magic in this petridish with hot tubs and a climbing wall. All while many, many nautical miles from the nearest hospital. You begin to realise why ghost ships were such a frequent phenomenon.

The stops on land

After what feels like months trapped at sea but has actually been three days, you get the chance to escape. Bliss. Three hours in the most touristy harbours the world has to offer, where every shop is geared to selling you expensive jewellery you won’t notice the flaws of until you’re back on board your floating prison with that twat from the tyre business again.

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Office workers calling for 'orderly timetable' for boss to resign told to f**k off

A GROUP of office workers who have requested their manager set out an orderly timetable for his resignation have been told to f**k off and do their jobs. 

The employees believe manager Joseph Turner is inarguably unpopular, showing polls that have been conducted around the water cooler with an approval rating of minus 70, but have nonetheless been informed they can go and f**k themselves.

Procurement office Hannah Tomlinson said: “Oh dear. He’s mishandled that badly, and that’s going to hurt him. But oddly, he doesn’t seem to care?

“I explained that he’s lost the faith of the office, that we no longer feel he’s the best person to lead a wholesale packing material importer and distributor forward, and that he doesn’t have to go now but a timetable is imperative. ‘Piss off,’ he said.

“He must not realise the gravity of what we’re saying. That marketing, customer orders, accounts and even human resources have got to the point where we can’t stand by him as the man to cut through the toxicity and reach B2B buyers. Maybe if we say it again?

“Instead we receive a tone-deaf email telling us to ‘answer the phones’ and ‘get the orders placed’ as if any of us could focus on doing our jobs right now. As if this wasn’t a moment of crisis. Maybe if we did the timetable for him?”

Turner said: “Of course I’m unpopular. I’m in f**king charge.”

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