Monday, 10th May 2021

Six ways you're worried you're not a proper adult

DID you assume you’d be a fully-functioning, grown-up adult by now? Here are the things you thought you’d effortlessly cope with, but can’t.

Being told off by your boss

Your boss can’t really do anything terrible to you, but you have a total fear of confrontation. It’s a lot like childhood, when you lived in terror of a weedy 11-year-old bully who, now you think about it, never actually hit anyone.

Public speaking 

Addressing even a small group of people turns you into a shaking, hyperventilating wreck. The worst thing is that your younger self arrogantly assumed you’d be a high-achiever confidently advising lesser employees, so you feel like a bit of a knob as well. 

Graveyards 

As an adult you don’t believe in supernatural rubbish, obviously. But you get a bloody move on when you’re walking past a graveyard at night. You may even avoid looking at it in case you see a skeletal hand clawing its way out of the ground. 

Basic health tasks

Real adults just visit a dentist if they get twinges. You put it off for months because you’ve devised a mad fantasy where all your teeth will have to be pulled out, you’ll be fitted with dentures and only be able to eat mushed-up banana. Also no one will ever sleep with you again. Then it turns out you just need a scrape and polish.

Having a relationship

Other adults all seem to be happily married and had a proper wedding and everything, but all your relationships have fizzled out like the flings of your 20s. Telling yourself you’re young, free and single doesn’t really cut it, because only the ‘single’ bit applies.

Personal finances

You’ve got a savings account, but the pitiful amount of cash in there would barely see you through a minor crisis like needing a new shower. Or possibly having to buy new shoes and trousers at the same time.