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Smug September holiday bastards not so f**king smug now

THOUSANDS of self-satisfied twats who ‘prefer to holiday in September’ are not looking quite so clever as they begin their second day at the airport. 

All those who pay no mind to school holidays to take advantage of cheaper deals and cooler climates are right now standing around at Gatwick wishing they had not decided to go with shorts for the flight.

Martin Bishop of Leominster said: “I could watch this footage all day.

“Look at that guy there. He’s just queued for 40 minutes at Costa and paid £13.75 for a coffee and a dry, unpalatable croissant and that’s his breakfast. That’s his f**king breakfast. I had blueberries on my porridge, dickhead.

“They’ve spent all summer bragging about how Crete is ‘so much better once the heat of August passes, and actually far more affordable’ and now they’re spending two days of their holiday at East Midlands Airport.

“And according to the news even when they finally get flown out their luggage won’t, so they’ll spend all holiday in cheap Spanish polyester filing compensation claims on their phones. Ah. Glorious.”

Holidaymaker Carolyn Ryan said: “I may have been stuck at Heathrow for 26 hours but I haven’t got any bratty kids while I do it. So I still win.”

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Middle-aged man puts back out masturbating

A MAN in his early 50s has thrown his back out during an otherwise routine session of self-abuse, he has confirmed. 

Homeworker Joshua Hudson of Winchester was cracking one out during his lunch break, in order to provide himself with motivation for the afternoon, when he switched hands and felt an unpleasant click.

He then found himself unable to rise from his reclining position and had to roll onto the floor and crawl into the bathroom for a clean-up he described as ‘degrading’.

He said: “Christ, I’ve already given up vaping, drinking on weeknights, all prospect of sex and fry-ups. I can’t have this become a risky activity as well.

“In the moment I over-exerted myself, I understand that, but is this going to happen regularly? Do the elderly in sheltered housing have to bash the bishop by the pullcord for the warden?

“I’ll be struggling to walk for the next three weeks at least, I’ll need six cushions to get through a film, and sleeping will be hell. Still, I finished. I feel that shows strength of character.”

Wife Sara said: “Useless bastard’s put his back out again. How I don’t know. He does nothing but lie around and occasionally wank.”

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