Spilling bin juice down yourself: Your guide to completely f**king up bin day

PLANNING on making a total hash of bin day again? Here’s a step-by-step guide to f**king it up good and proper.

Step 1. Forget to put your bin out 

The easy bit. Even an amateur can do this. Instead of writing a reminder on your calendar or setting an alert on your phone, foolishly rely on your least reliable tool – your brain.

Step 2. Remember at 7.03am

Experience the visceral thrill of sitting bolt upright in bed when you hear the beep of the bin lorry on your street, and hurriedly throw on whatever embarrassing clothes are at hand. Binmen or neighbours should be snickering or looking on in disgust at this gibbering loon in a bobble hat, ancient REM t-shirt, stained jogging pants and neon Crocs.

Step 3. Chase the lorry down your street

Having grabbed your bin it’s time to channel Usain Bolt and leg it down the street. It’s two weeks until the next collection and you’re damned if you’re missing this one. For extra style points try to fall over several times. Injuries to your testicles are particular hilarious for onlookers.

Step 4. Spill bin juice on yourself

It goes without saying you’ll have ludicrously overfilled the bin. As you rush to the lorry, somehow tip the bin over so rank bin juice flows onto your drive and trousers. It’s only liquified food mush, but combined it’s created an agent more deadly than nerve gas or hydrochloric acid. Wash your hands ASAP in case they dissolve, leaving just stumps.

Step 5. Realise you’re holding the green bin and it’s blue bin day

Exhausted, half asleep and raving like a lunatic, you now realise all the bins lining the street are blue. In your haste, you grabbed the green. There’s no time to go back. Everything is hopeless. Suddenly you know how Scott of the Antarctic must have felt.

Step 6. Beg the bin men to take it anyway

Pathetically try and convince the guys to empty your bin anyway. They’ll refuse, of course. Their hands are tied. This is clearly because you didn’t tip them at Christmas, either with a few quid in a card or a box of fancy biscuits. You’re practically being blackmailed by the unions. Bloody bolsheviks.

Step 7. Do the exact same thing next week

You’d think you’d have learnt some bin discipline by now. But no, you’ll do something unforgiveably stupid like putting bubble wrap in the recycling. And keep doing it every subsequent bin day until you die.

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Six annoying f**kwits in the cafe alongside you

YOU’RE trying to have a nice relaxed time in a cafe, or maybe do something constructive. Which bastards plan to ruin the experience for you today?

The f**kwit on FaceTime

Brace yourself, you’re going to be treated to a retiree trying to catch up with his daughter while scoffing a panini. It’s lovely to see him spitting pesto and mozzarella on his screen as he shouts to make himself heard. Does have headphones? Of course he f**king doesn’t. He’s generously letting you hear her side of the call too.

The knobhead who sits at the table right next to you

There are loads of empty tables, but this person has chosen to sit right next to you. Why not just sit on my lap, arsehole? If you think he’s bad, wait until he’s joined by a tableful of noisy mates, who start asking one by one if you’re ‘using that chair?’ 

The lovey dovey couple

When you’re settling down for your usual day of bile and cynicism, scrolling through Twitter for things to get angry about, there’s nothing worse than seeing displays of joy and happiness. It’s only going to get more cringeworthy when the inconsiderate bastards start soppily feeding each other yogurt-covered raisins. 

The parent and child

It’s not the child’s fault he’s an irritating little shit, you tell yourself. He’s only three. But the parent? Talking to him as if he’s got an adult vocabulary, or counting the marshmallows on his hot chocolate to show off their numeracy teaching. A passive-aggressive stare will have no effect, because now they’re engrossed in some nightmarish electronic learning toy making clucking sounds. 

Half the bloody office

Thrilled to be working in person again, Celina’s decided to bring the entire team down to the cafe for a latte and a brainstorm. And they’re excited to be off the leash, as the volume of their inane conversation attests. It’s lucky you absolutely love conversations about online marketing. 

The messy bastard

They’ve spilt coffee all over the table and keep pestering staff for a cloth but they’re quite busy so they get some napkins but now it’s dripping on the floor, etc. etc. It’s incredibly distracting, and that’s before they’ve started picking at a muffin like they’re disassembling it molecule by molecule. Maybe next time you’ll just sit in a parking space in the Asda car park.