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Super-organised man has laminated wank bank

A MAN who organises his life with military precision has a laminated printout of favourite masturbation fantasies working on a 21-day rotating schedule. 

Sick of wasting time Googling, Stephen Malley created the programme to optimise his self-abuse to give himself quality and variety of orgasms while ensuring he does not fall into any treacherous porn holes.

Malley said: “Organising fun makes it better, and for me masturbation is no exception.

“There’s the fantasy about my ex-girlfriend having me back in a riot of passion. I schedule that one for evenings, because I’m always tearful afterwards and it wouldn’t look good on Teams.

“The fit girl in Tesco dragging me into the stockroom and begging me to ride her up against the wall is 4pm Sundays, the girl I fancied rotten at uni is 10pm Tuesdays, and Cheryl from accounts gobbling me off in the unisex office toilets is 9.30pm on Thursdays.

“It’s good to have it laminated because that way it remains stain-free. I have images on there for inspiration and I don’t want them ruined. Spontaneity? Overrated.”

He added: “Two weeks and I’ll be switching to the Christmas one. Well, it is a special time of year.”

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Aw: old-school couple met not online, but by cheating on their partners

READY to have your heart warmed? This couple didn’t meet on the apps, but by the old-fashioned tried-and-true method of being unfaithful to. 

Unlike many so-called modern relationships born by algorithm, Hannah Tomlinson and Tom Booker first felt sparks fly in real life, at his then-girlfriend’s birthday party.

Hannah explained: “Tinder, Hinge, Bumble – after a while you just feel exhausted and hopeless. So many matches just fizzle out. And there’s the added stress of worrying one of your husband’s friends will see your profile.

“So it was an incredible surprise to meet Nathan without any cold, impersonal swiping. Our eyes locked across the party and it was like nobody else was there, especially our partners. Before the end of the evening, we’d had it off in the disabled loo.

“That instant connection isn’t something you can replicate in a DM slide. It’s electric, sizzling and worth going though the messy admin of my divorce and getting his girlfriend deported. Can Tinder users say the same?

“We know our relationship doesn’t exist because of Instagram filters and AI-generated chat-up lines. It’s real and it’s built on solid foundations of sexual attraction and infidelity. I pity anyone whose isn’t.”

Tom agreed theirs is a real success story, and added: “Hannah and I are great together. You’ll never find me desperately swiping. Not when I can meet someone sexually entrancing behind her back right there in real life.”

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