Switching on the interior light, and other surefire ways to make your mum lose her shit in the car

DOES your mum act like turning on the interior light for three seconds will instantly cause a 20-vehicle pile-up? She probably hates these other things too:

Switching on the interior light

Having no time for new-fangled nonsense like satnav, your mum asks you to look at the book of maps while driving down a country lane in the dark. You switch on the light so you can see and she loses her rag over the terrible danger you’ve placed both your lives in, and then is even more furious when you get lost.

Opening a window too wide

A centimetre crack is fine for ventilation, even on the hottest day of summer. When you inadvertently lean on the button and let in a huge gust of air that buffets her carefully coiffed hairdo, she lets out a horrified shriek and tells you to shut the window this second and stop mucking around like a silly little idiot.

Putting your hand vaguely near the gear stick

While telling a story about your awful boss, you gesticulate too enthusiastically and your hand comes within 10cm of the gear stick. Your mum freaks out and tells you that you must never, ever touch the gear stick while she’s driving or something awful will happen, like the car will explode. When you tell her this is illogical hyperbole, she calls you a ‘little madam’.

Changing the radio station

A bit of music would be nice on this long journey, you think, and press the button to find something upbeat to listen to. Your mum slaps your hand away angrily and announces that listening to anything other than Radio 4 will make her swerve wildly and crash, meaning you have to suffer through The Archers omnibus and a shit play about climate change.

Eating food

Feeling peckish, you innocently open a bag of crisps and your mum goes into full meltdown. Aside from the noise of you crunching, which means she can’t concentrate at the roundabout, you’re going to get crumbs all over the interior of her freakishly pristine car. She pulls over and makes you get out and finish them in a lay-by.

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Countryside couple with city friends coming to stay prepare to lie like bastards

A COUPLE who are welcoming city friends to their new countryside home are desperately thinking up ways to prove their lives are not miserable.

Eleanor and Tom Shaw moved to a village south of Ipswich during lockdown and are now under pressure to pretend it was not a monumentally stupid idea.

Shaw said: “This monotonous landscape of endless flat fields only looks good in the sunshine, and the forecast is for rain, so we’re f**ked.

“We can’t take them for a scenic walk as the sheep are lambing and the farmer threatened to shoot our dog last week, so now we’re scared to go out.

“We could go to the pub, but they have those in London. And the ones there aren’t full of racist Tories losing their shit because the landlord has put a falafel burger in the menu.

“The single shop in the village shuts at midday but we wouldn’t take them there anyway because they’ll be shocked that the only other amenity is a salon that hasn’t updated the model photos in its windows since 1982.

“I guess we’ll have to fill the time by pretending our huge, rambling house is our pride and joy rather than a depressing money pit, and that we wouldn’t rather still be living in a minuscule one-bed flat in vibrant Camden.”