Tap dancing, and four other unbelievably selfish new lockdown hobbies

WHAT better time to take up playing the bass than now, when your neighbours need the distraction of you failing to learn Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain? Or try these: 

Taiko drumming

Anyone can be a lockdown rock drummer, but the Japanese art of taiko drumming will really convince your neighbout that they’re hallucinating a rainstorm, the thrum of overloading power lines or a helicopter directly overhead. Fun for hours.


Remember that awesome guy outside the train station who genuinely gave you goosebumps with his incredible beatboxing? You could be that good if you just started practicing 18 years ago. Remember the more saliva sprayed the better, and stay as close as possible to whoever you’re entertaining with this magical art.

Tap dancing

Only really recommended if you have downstairs neighbours who really need your staccato performance of Riverdance to enliven their days. Remember you need 10,000 hours of practice to be the best, so make sure to keep dancing late into the night as if cursed by the devil.


Doesn’t matter what kind of drilling – just buy a drill and start putting holes in stuff. The earlier you can get up and do it, the better. 7am? 6am? The second the sun comes up? You can single handedly make everyone on your street’s life worse. It’s incredible how much power a little Black & Decker has.


The post-lockdown parties are going to be epic, so buy decks, practice your retro record scratches, up the frequency so Chaka Khan sounds like a cloud of rabid bats, stick it on your SoundCloud. Why not set up a Ko-Fi and ask for donations? You’re the next Kygo so nobody should get in your way of your lifelong dream that you thought of yesterday afternoon.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dedicated local business supporter gets yet another takeaway

A DEDICATED supporter of local businesses has ordered yet another takeaway, he has confirmed.

Tom Booker is selflessly determined not to let businesses in his community go bust and is supporting them by existing almost entirely on delivery food.

He said: “I don’t like the word hero. I’m just doing what little I can to help.

“I’m careful to spread my philanthropy around, for the sake of fairness. Curry last night, Chinese Tuesday, pizza Sunday. I’m even having Thai just to show I care.

“Also it’s independent shops. No Burger King or KFC or any of that, because they’re not open. So doubly good.

“I don’t do it for thanks, I do it because it’s what needs to be done.”

He added: “Also, I’ve been sourcing my beers locally from Ahmed at the corner shop, going up there for a fresh couple of eight-packs once a day.

“Hopefully the world can learn from my example. We can rebuild from the ground up.”