Tar monster, and five other bin-bag Halloween costumes for lazy f**kers

HALLOWEEN party? Intended to buy a costume but didn’t? They’re lining up to judge you, but with imagination and a refuse sack you can style it out:   

Tar monster

Everyone’s favourite Scooby Doo villain. Who could forget the way the tar monster was a monster that was covered in tar, and maybe did some other stuff? Remember to poke in air holes to stop your costume becoming a body bag.

Punk witch

Witches don’t need hats, or cats, or cauldrons, or broomsticks or any of that shite. You’re a punk witch who needs nothing more than a bin bag and a bad attitude. Another witch, who has all the stuff and painted her face green, is glaring at you.

Budget Batman

Christian Bale or Robert Pattinson? How about neither? This superhero is wearing ill-fitting jeans and dirty trainers under his cape. Just keep saying ‘I’m Batman’ in a funny voice, it’s a solid joke that will never get old.

Budget bat

If you don’t have the physique to pull off the caped crusader, you can always say you’re just the animal. No-one knows or cares what a bat actually looks like. Black, flappy, squeak a bit; actually, how did they inspire a vigilante? Who’s scared of a f**king bat?


The best Halloween costumes are the ones with a deeper message, so give Just Stop Oil a run for their money with a look that highlights a societal ill. Your outfit represents the plastics in our oceans and choking our fulmars or whatever. Is your costume also made from plastic that will be sent to landfill? Yes. Irony, heard of it?

Sexy bin bag

When in doubt, perv it out. Embrace the fact that the bin bag is too short by exposing a touch of arse cheek and/or cleavage to please the crowds. The sweat levels from being dressed in industrial plastic will only enhance your sultriness.

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'Let's hop on a video call to discuss,' says worst colleague in world

A WOMAN who wreaks terror on her workmates by turning simple issues into tedious and lengthy video calls is the worst colleague it is possible to have.

Whistle-blowers have described how Charlotte Phelps, a self-proclaimed ‘people person’, has made every email an elaborate dance of psychological warfare with even the most basic yes-or-no questions met with the dreaded Microsoft Teams link.

Emma Bradford said: “Why would you look at another person staring out at you from their laptop if you didn’t have to? Why?

“You only have to ask what biscuits to order for meetings and you lose 35 minutes on Teams with three other sulky roped-in wankers arguing the toss, larded by painful small talk about whose kitchen looks nice.

“Watch for the warning signs. If you have a manager who ‘loves to really connect with others’ and ‘prefers voice notes to texts’, get out. The behaviour will only escalate.

“For example, Charlotte likes to finish her weaponised video calls with the savage blow of asking me to email notes. And when they’re not as she hoped, we dial in a quick Teams.”

Phelps said: “I pride myself on the personal touch and really forging bonds. And it’s mandatory cameras on.”