A 14-YEAR-OLD boy has emptied an entire aerosol of Lynx Africa into each armpit in preparation for the day to come.
Oliver O’Connor of Stoke-on-Trent is spending the day hanging out with mates and may enjoy fleeting contact with girls, so felt it prudent to douse himself with 300ml of powerful deodorant.
Deborah, Oliver’s mother, said: “I dismissed the hissing from upstairs at first, but when it continued for 15 minutes I investigated. That was my error.
“When I opened Oliver’s bedroom door I was immediately enveloped in a noxious cloud of cheap, eye-watering scent. A single spark would have blown up the house, the street and much of the West Midlands.
“He left, taking his toxic mantle with him. Birds fell to the ground, instantly dead. Pensioners had to be given oxygen. The Army arrived, having received word of a chemical attack. But beneath it all you could still catch the lingering BO.”
Oliver said: “Lynx isn’t just deodorant. It’s pheromones that short-circuit girls’ brains into being uncontrollably attracted to you. I used six quid’s worth so it can’t fail.
“Admittedly I’ve got a blinding headache, a hacking cough and I’ve given myself moderate to severe chemical burns, but it’ll be worth it if I get a snog.”