Teenage boy uses entire can of Lynx on each armpit

A 14-YEAR-OLD boy has emptied an entire aerosol of Lynx Africa into each armpit in preparation for the day to come. 

Oliver O’Connor of Stoke-on-Trent is spending the day hanging out with mates and may enjoy fleeting contact with girls, so felt it prudent to douse himself with 300ml of powerful deodorant.

Deborah, Oliver’s mother, said: “I dismissed the hissing from upstairs at first, but when it continued for 15 minutes I investigated. That was my error.

“When I opened Oliver’s bedroom door I was immediately enveloped in a noxious cloud of cheap, eye-watering scent. A single spark would have blown up the house, the street and much of the West Midlands.

“He left, taking his toxic mantle with him. Birds fell to the ground, instantly dead. Pensioners had to be given oxygen. The Army arrived, having received word of a chemical attack. But beneath it all you could still catch the lingering BO.”

Oliver said: “Lynx isn’t just deodorant. It’s pheromones that short-circuit girls’ brains into being uncontrollably attracted to you. I used six quid’s worth so it can’t fail.

“Admittedly I’ve got a blinding headache, a hacking cough and I’ve given myself moderate to severe chemical burns, but it’ll be worth it if I get a snog.”

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20th century rewritten to take out all the unpleasantness

THE 20th century has been rewritten by sensitivity readers to remove all the distressing references to race, gender and mental health. 

Readers admitted they were horrified by how out-of-date the period between 1900 and 1999 had become, and have made changes to several passages of its history to avoid offending modern sensibilities.

Sensitivity reader Hannah Tomlinson said: “It’s not suitable for children and frankly could be upsetting for adults. It’s been the 21st century for 23 years now, so there’s no excuse.

“For example World War Two, long held up as ‘our finest hour’. Really? Because to contemporary eyes it’s nothing but racism, nationalism and inefficient conflict resolution. We’ve kept it in but shortened it and taken out all the unnecessary prejudice.

“Likewise the Sixties may have seemed ‘cool’ at the time but were deeply misogynist. Mick Jagger was clearly queer-coded so that’s been made explicit, Twiggy’s plus-sized and the Queen gets to be prime minister.

“How are we expected to learn from the past when it’s setting such a bad example? Our new 20th century is fairer, kinder and more understanding of different viewpoints. It should have been like that all along.”

Nathan Muir, aged 52, said: “Yeah, to be fair, I was there and it was pretty f**king offensive.”