Teenager pathetically desperate to see his shit mates

A TEENAGE boy is painfully desperate to escape the clutches of his caring, providing parents to see his shithead mates. 

Jack Browne, aged 15, has spent three whole days being given presents and food and having his every need tended to by his mum and dad, and is going out of his f**king mind.

He said: “Oh my God, I cannot turn around without one of them holding a tray of pigs in blankets saying ‘board game’? And I haven’t seen Macca, Chels or the Baker since Friday.

“I just want to go out, what’s weird about that? Just to hang with my homies outside the closed recreation centre in the cold, chatting shit and having a laugh, but mum’s like ‘Why don’t we watch your favourite Christmas film, Jack?’

“Last night they were having an epic time doing whippets and throwing all these shoes they’d nicked from a clothes bank on a substation roof, and I was stuck here drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows constantly being asked to take my headphones off.

“It’s so unfair. I don’t see why I can’t go out down the deserted skate park just because ‘we’re having a family Christmas’. I’m like a prisoner in a jail.”

Later today Browne’s parents will allow him out, and he will sit on swings watching TikTok videos on his phone with three other twat teens before slouching home.

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Buck's fizz and other Christmas drinks that basically don't count as booze

CHRISTMAS has a wonderful range of drinks that are completely acceptable to enjoy from 9.30am. Here are some of the finest:

Buck’s Fizz

If you’re a middle-class bellend you’ll call it a mimosa instead of a Buck’s Fizz, but essentially it’s the same thing. Ideal for Christmas morning as you can fill your glass almost to the brim with champagne and add a small splash of orange juice and no one will realise you’ve necked most of a bottle of Laurent-Perrier until you fall asleep on the sofa at 10am.


Combining whisky and cream, Baileys blurs the line between dessert and booze, which is ideal for Christmas as it’s mainly all you consume. The unfortunate problem is that it’s very difficult to actually get pissed on Baileys as your body will start rejecting the overwhelming amount of dairy and sugar, from one end or the other, before the alcohol takes effect.

Mulled wine

Given that the act of mulling boils off most of the alcohol in the wine, this traditional festive beverage needs to be liberally laced with brandy to make it worth consuming. It’s usually also full of cloves and orange peel and other weird shit, so it makes more sense to forego the wine bit entirely and just go straight for the hard stuff.


Is alcoholic custard mixed with lemonade nice to drink? It doesn’t sound like it, but by the time Uncle Roy offers you one on Christmas afternoon you’re three sheets to the wind and prepared to try anything. That’s how you find yourself trying to act out the phrase ‘Pornhub’ to your grandparents an hour later after your mischievous brother ropes you in to a game of charades.

Irish Coffee

At some stage your mum will tell you you’ve had enough and are embarrassing yourself, and send you into the kitchen to make a coffee. What she won’t realise though is that you’ve added a huge slug of whisky to your coffee and are only to get even more steamingly drunk. It’s not just an evening beverage, so don’t feel ashamed of subtly livening up your Christmas morning coffee either.