INVITE received. Thanks for forcing me to be near-naked with pricks from the school run at your child’s swimming pool birthday party.
As you know, Ezra’s new to the school so he’s overjoyed to be coming. And I’ll be there wearing a swimsuit in front of 20 parents I only vaguely know. What could be more exhilarating?
Of course a parent has to go in the pool with their child for the party fun. And of course it’s mainly the dads, so they’re all bound to get a good look.
Apparently there’s a viewing gallery too. What fantastic frigging news. Whole families will be able to see me spilling out of a swimsuit I last wore in 2019 before my pre-pandemic weight gain.
I can’t think of a better backdrop to every halting playground chat about after-school clubs. It really is the perfect icebreaker.
You know who demands people turn up at parties hardly wearing anything? Emperors, Hugh Hefner and Puff Daddy. What makes f**king Kayden think he’s in that class I don’t know, but I will smile through gritted teeth as I pay homage.
Ezra? Oh, he’ll love it. He loves swimming. He doesn’t understand pool parties are a ritual humiliation organised by bastards. Anyway, see you on the 18th!