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Thanks so much for the chance to get near-naked with strangers from the school run at 'Kayden's swim party'

INVITE received. Thanks for forcing me to be near-naked with pricks from the school run at your child’s swimming pool birthday party.

As you know, Ezra’s new to the school so he’s overjoyed to be coming. And I’ll be there wearing a swimsuit in front of 20 parents I only vaguely know. What could be more exhilarating?

Of course a parent has to go in the pool with their child for the party fun. And of course it’s mainly the dads, so they’re all bound to get a good look.

Apparently there’s a viewing gallery too. What fantastic frigging news. Whole families will be able to see me spilling out of a swimsuit I last wore in 2019 before my pre-pandemic weight gain.

I can’t think of a better backdrop to every halting playground chat about after-school clubs. It really is the perfect icebreaker.

You know who demands people turn up at parties hardly wearing anything? Emperors, Hugh Hefner and Puff Daddy. What makes f**king Kayden think he’s in that class I don’t know, but I will smile through gritted teeth as I pay homage.

Ezra? Oh, he’ll love it. He loves swimming. He doesn’t understand pool parties are a ritual humiliation organised by bastards. Anyway, see you on the 18th!

Woman can't stress enough how little she takes herself seriously

A WOMAN who does not take herself seriously will go to any lengths to prove how totally chill she is.

Emma Bradford’s Bumble profile states that she cannot stand people who take themselves too seriously, and has made her own carefree, relaxed approach to her likes, wants and achievements  key to her personality.

She said: “If you can’t laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at? That’s why I positively invite mockery and only sulk for days when you’ve crossed an invisible line. 

“My dress sense is fair game because it’s stylish yet kooky, and feel free to make a harmless jibe at the expense of my toned physique. I promise I won’t get that annoyed.

“Thinly-veiled jokes about my toxic opinions and passive aggressive attitude are strictly verboten though. Anyone who challenges my many flaws in any way should learn to hashtag be kind.”

Friend Joanna Kramer said: “After Emma begged me to tease her for hours I finally relented and made a harmless quip about her piercing laugh. Now she’s taking me to court for defamation of character.”