The Brexiter's guide to homeschooling

CORONAVIRUS is a great opportunity to stop your kids being force-fed leftie propaganda at school. Here fanatical Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains how to homeschool.

First of all: Discipline

Learning can’t take place without discipline. Terrify your kids with a large, traditional cane – they’ll thank you for it later – and explain the benefits of hanging and flogging in general. You are now ready to embark on your magical learning adventure.

History: Britain has never lost a battle

We’ve all heard of famous victories like Waterloo and The Falklands, but did you know we pretended to lose some historical conflicts to make other countries feel less inferior? The Battle of Hastings, the Fall of Singapore, the Suez Crisis – we won them all hands down, but you won’t read that in the Marxist history books.

Religious education: Jesus was British

Jesus was actually from Crewe. People just think he’s from the Middle East because he was the world’s first proper explorer who was out there discovering the Pyramids of Israel. The Bible was already really long at that time so they had to leave a lot of stuff out.

Environmental studies: The right sort

Let’s face it, the environment is fine. Keep this subject to the minimum, say, five minutes a week, emphasising what an idiot Greta Thunberg is and how we’d be stuffed without cars.

Sex education: Nip any transgender nonsense in the bud

It’s obvious to me that transgenderism is just gay people trying to ‘cheat the system’ by getting penises or breasts so they can have sex with men and ladies without shame. Drum this into your children so they turn out normal and well-adjusted.

Brexit studies: About time too!

Not taught in any school, shamefully, but at home Brexit studies can be the bulk of your syllabus. Teach your kids how excellent Brexit will be in every way – there’s no way the coronavirus crisis might be hinting at problems to come.

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Man singing on London balcony told to shut the f**k up

A MAN who wanted to make a video for social media about people coming together has been told to f**k right off by his neighbours.

Inspired by videos from Italy, Londoner Julian Cooke began belting out a stirring rendition of Jerusalem but was shouted down within seconds.

Cooke said: “I wanted to inspire everyone with a rousing anthem about overcoming adversity. But it seems I may have misjudged the mood in Elephant and Castle somewhat.

“I’d hoped my fellow countrymen would appear on their balconies and create an improvised string section, but the only person who even tried to join in was paralytically drunk and seemed to think the hymn was Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.

“On the bright side it does seem my neighbours aren’t having any grocery shortages judging by the amount of food items that were hurled in my direction.”

Neighbour Susan Traherne said: “It was a true demonstration of community spirit, all of us uniting in one common goal – shutting the tuneless twat up so we could hear the telly.”