The couple's guide to holiday-ruining arguments

GOING on holiday with your new-found freedom? Here’s how to have a bloody good row with your partner, as is traditional.

Where to eat 

Really you can have whatever meal you fancy, especially if you’re in Portugal for two whole weeks. Don’t let this stop you having a furious argument about whether to go to a fish restaurant or not. 

Relationship issues you haven’t addressed

Do you not actually get on with your partner? In the pressure cooker environment of spending all your time together in a foreign land you will soon notice each other’s f**king annoying habits. Have a blazing row about holding cutlery properly.

Go somewhere shit

Don’t go abroad, go somewhere horrible in Britain that will instantly raise tensions. Prestatyn is like a prison camp, and Southend-on-Sea is just grim. You’ll soon be so pissed off anything will spark an argument.

Your parents

Your parents may well not like your partner, or vice versa. A supposedly relaxing holiday is the perfect opportunity to argue about what a patronising bastard your father-in-law is.

Boat trips

Should be straightforward; it’s just getting on a boat and floating around for a bit. Instead have lots of friction about: how long it will take, is it too expensive, will you get seasick? It’s these trivial issues that make for a truly memorable holiday row.

Visit awful places together

So many choices here: Europe is rammed with shit nightclubs, or at the other end of the scale you can force your partner to visit an extremely boring cathedral. As the day wears on you’ll end up arguing about historical architecture, which is at least a bit different.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Teenagers to hold their own prom by getting pissed in field

SCHOOL-LEAVERS disappointed their prom has been cancelled are to hold their own by getting hammered on cider in a field. 

16-year-olds who have been denied their formal farewell to their education have agreed that they will not let the occasion go unmarked and will instead get booze in and neck it outside.

Charlotte Phelps said: “The prom is an age-old British tradition we nicked off America at some point in the 00s, and it’s a tragedy ours has been cancelled due to the Covid.

“So, rather than miss out, we’re holding our own. Instead of a red carpet there’s a muddy path lined with empty cans, and instead of a lavishly-decorated dancefloor Ryan and Jordan have built a bonfire out of pallets.

“We’ll dance, kiss, trade memories, and humiliate social misfits but this year we’ll do it beneath the stars, on the edge of a flooded quarry with rusty cars in it, drunk on youth and El Bandido tequila beer from Aldi.

“I’m sure the row when I make out with Jack and Ryan sees us will blaze just as brightly in the open-air, as will the bit where I hold Georgia’s hair while she’s sick in a hedge.”

Father Simon Phelps said: “Ah, a return to the true prom as when I was a young man. I pissed myself at mine.”