RAISING a child is packed with significant moments which nobody except the parents gives a shit about. Here are the milestones you’ll idly scroll past on social media:
The ultrasound scan of a baby in the womb, which is a grim harbinger of the mundanity your timeline is about to be inundated with.
Baby’s first night at home, which is just a photo of a wrinkly baby nestled in a duvet. It will get more likes than the entire history of your statuses combined.
One month ‘birthday’. No, you shouldn’t expect to be amazed by this minor achievement.
The first time the baby slept through the night. A thrilling moment for the parents, so tedious for everyone else that they’ll start nodding off.
Meeting the grandparents. Two boring extremes of the age spectrum come together in a photo that’s somehow more dull than the sum of its parts.
Six months ‘birthday’. Yep, parents really mine this angle for all it’s worth. And it works every time because old relatives on Facebook love this shit.
Their reactions to seeing things for the first time. Parents know this is a ‘like’ goldmine so will exploit it accordingly. Expect to see photos of a baby being blown away by telegraph poles, salt bins and manhole covers.
A particularly messy mealtime. Not shared will be the desperate pleas of the parents to just eat the f**king food instead of throwing it on the floor.
Eight months ‘birthday’. This is taking the piss now.
When they learn to walk. An impressive feat for a toddler, but so commonplace in adulthood that the novelty has long since worn off.
First day of school. The kid visibly doesn’t want their awkward photo taken, and we don’t want to look at it either. Everyone’s a loser here.