The five questions you actually want to ask on your video calls

STUCK asking about the health of your friends’ elderly parents at Zoom o’clock? Here are the questions you really want to ask:

Are you doing these calls all the time?

This is the only Zoom drinks group you’re part of, and you’re anxious that everyone else is doing this all the time with other groups, or, worse, with this group but without you. Was that an in-joke?

Are you having any sex?

Your partner and you have cleaned the windows together, made a Thai curry together and even hung a few pictures together, but have not yet resorted to the extreme faff of reclaiming lost intimacy. Is it just you? Is this normal?

Are your kids actually learning anything at all?

You may have posted on Facebook about helping little Lottie with number lines, but you’re not entirely sure she couldn’t already do it and played along to help. The school’s official homework seems to be done in ten minutes. Also, you don’t seem to be getting paid.

Have you got f**king savings or something?

Your mates appear to be improbably sanguine about their reduced incomes and barely petrified at all about the upcoming recession. So are they utterly loaded and have never mentioned it before? Are you the only one running your household on the same debt model as Netflix?

Have you got any yeast?

Stockpiling PPE for personal use is one thing, but the nation needs yeast and if I see anything other than flatbread or sourdough on your Facebook feed, I’ll be reporting you.

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So this next exercise is called 'overthrow capitalism', says Joe Wicks

JOE Wicks is teaching his junior army exercise moves like ‘overthrow capitalism’, ‘throw the molotov’ and ‘the guillotine’, a parent has noticed. 

The chirpy exercise guru has had unsupervised access to the nation’s children for the last eight weeks and freshened up his fitness programme with training on how to bloodlessly overthrow the government.

Parent Will McKay said: “The kids were in the lounge doing Joe Wicks as usual, but because we ran out of booze on Saturday for once I wasn’t hungover.

“I heard him in his trustworthy common accent saying ‘And once you’ve maxed out your parents’ credit cards at the food bank report it as fraud, then the banks foot the bill’ which seemed not very PE.

“So I looked in and he was doing burpees while instructing the kids on the strategic points to occupy to hold Whitehall and cut off government communications. Which made me suspicious.

“But then he brought in his former glamour model wife Rosie to help, and before long I was exercising along with seizing the means of production and it all seemed fine.”

Nine-year-old Jackson McKay said: “Joe’s great, capitalism is legalised slavery, the revolution begins in June.”