THINK how easy life would be if you didn’t feel the need to be even slightly tidy. Nikki Hollis, who ‘doesn’t see mess’, explains how to achieve this state of nirvana.
Think in three dimensions
Some wannabe messy f**kers make the rookie mistake of putting their shit into one or two Himalayan piles. The pro knows you’ve got to spread outwards as well as up – no inch of kitchen worktop or sofa should be free of your mess. Errant objects should be bafflingly random and not belong together: a hammer, trainer cleaning spray, a pack of paracetamol.
Stay on top of the mess
If anyone has the audacity to tidy your shit up for you, restore disorder immediately. The last thing you want is for your housemates to remember they actually live in quite a spacious house and don’t need to walk up the stairs hopping over objects as they go like a pissed-off dressage pony.
Have good intentions
If you really want to hit peak scuzziness, it’s important to truly believe you’ll tidy up later. That way you’ll free yourself from any subconscious feelings of restraint and have free rein to create even more of a pigsty because there’s nothing to worry about – you’re just about to sort it.
Defend your habits
What have clean and tidy people got against you anyway? There may not be a visible system, but you know EXACTLY where everything is. This will usually fob off a housemate, but isn’t so effective at work when you lose some critical document among piles of grimy folders, increasingly terrifying coffee mugs, and half-eaten packs of Oreos that got lost before they could even be eaten.
To be able to keep up this kind of behaviour long-term without being being kicked out by flatmates or divorced by your partner, make them become your allies. If everyone under the same roof learns to use the floor as a wardrobe and stops caring about silly details such as drinking tea out of a mug instead of, say, a wok, if that happens to be the one clean receptacle, then life will be harmonious.