The middle-class guide to playing down your comfortable lifestyle

DO you have a comfortable life and own lots of lovely things? Here’s how to make constant, unnecessary middle-class excuses for it all:

Slag it off 

When you step out of your brand new Audi, be sure to say in a big, loud voice how much you miss your old Honda Accord: none of this automated boot nonsense and a key you could actually turn. That way, nobody in the service station car park will make the mistake of thinking you’re actually enjoying your privilege.

Make lame excuses

If a friend happens to be over when your Ocado delivery arrives, explain immediately that all the Tesco delivery slots were taken. And, anyway, you normally prefer to go to the supermarket yourself as it’s so nice to take an active part in society, but unfortunately you’ve injured your foot. Then don’t forget to limp for the rest of the time they’re there.

Pass the buck

There’s no better way to tame your privilege than to blame it on someone else. ‘We didn’t really want it, but my mother-in-law insisted on buying us the wood-fired hot tub’, you say, carefully hiding the invoice. No one believes you, but pretending not to have money to spend on fripperies you only use twice a year makes you feel like less of an awful human being.

Play it down 

If you’ve just got back from two weeks in Antigua, be sure to tell your marginally-less-well-off neighbours that the beaches are just like Brighton really. A little less pebbly, but hardly worth all the airport faff. And the constant sun’s quite nice but a bit hot for you actually. You’ll stick to Scarborough next time, you say, even though you’ve already booked the Maldives for Christmas.

Say you’re lucky

Make it clear that you don’t feel deserving of your detached house, outdoor pizza oven and 60-inch TV in the ‘cinema room’ by repeatedly claiming it’s all down to ‘luck’. But then again, it is quite lucky that your parents sold that shabby old London townhouse for £3.2 million and gave you a wedge of it to play with.

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Smoke weed in church, rob a bank, punch a swan: five legal exemptions enjoyed by the Queen

QUEEN Elizabeth II, it was revealed yesterday, is exempt from laws by which we plebs must abide. Here are just a few:

Smoke weed in church

The Queen is renowned for being easily bored by any non-horse-related activity. She is required to spend a good deal of her working life staring into space from a pew while an Archbishop drones monotonously into the rafters. And so it was that in 1967 she requested, and was granted, dispensation to roll up a big fat blunt to take the edge off the tedium.

Hold courtier fights for the amusement of her family

The police have been under instructions since 1972 not to interfere with the Queen’s annual pre-Christmas ritual. On December 24th, a ring is set up in the state banqueting room and courtiers are made to fight for the entertainment of the closest members of the Royal Family. As her Majesty’s physical health has declined recent years, Prince Charles has taken responsibility for refereeing.

Rob a bank

Due to her mother’s runaway overdraft, the Queen requested special dispensation to walk into any high street bank, wearing a mask to conceal her identity, and demand that clerks hand over large cash sums, using the code words ‘Stick one’s hands up’. A Palace spokesman said that the Queen had taken advantage of this loophole ‘fewer than a dozen times’.

Twat a swan

Swans are aggressive bastards that will attack you if you get near them but, as they are a protected species, you cannot attack them back. The Queen is immune to this law, which means if one hisses at her or flaps its wings angrily, she can give it a good, hard punch in the beak to put it back in its place. And if it’s really naughty, she can eat it.

Kick a serving Prime Minister in the genital area

The Queen is obliged to grant a weekly audience to the Prime Minister and, while she cannot veto any decisions made by the government, since 1962 she has been granted special permission to boot in the genital area any PM she finds vexing. Tony Blair is said to be the most frequent recipient, having been kicked in the bollocks 22 times, though Boris Johnson had already racked up 21 punts to the gonads by the time his much shorter tenure came to an end.