Monday, 6th July 2020

The middle class guide to ruining a picnic

A PICNIC is the perfect meal: finger food with booze and hardly any washing up. But thankfully middle class people have found ways to complicate it. Here's how to ruin your next one.

Spend an hour dicking around with a gazebo

Common sense would suggest a picnic is about food, but some middle class people first like to make it about erecting a tent without walls. Makes you feel as if you’re at a sh*t corporate event while failing to keep out flies who fancy a second course after some delicious dog poo. 

Bring folding dining furniture

Along with the big Waitrose shop, transporting picnic equipment is why so many middle class people have oversized 4x4s. Take more furniture than most people have in their flats, and if you must sit on a rug, make sure it has a label saying it was handwoven so the world knows you support artisans.

Wear a panama hat

Ostensibly to protect your head, but mainly to project an image of… er… something. Looking like an escaped Nazi in South America?

Take the biggest, stupidest hamper

The hamper or hampers should be incredibly cumbersome with loads of fiddly straps inside. Ideally you should look as if you’re carrying a giant wicker briefcase - which makes sense because this picnic will feel like hard work. 

Picnic while watching open-air Shakespeare

Although too ashamed to eat in front of the telly, middle class people will gladly scrape out the bottom of a houmous pot while watching a play they’re pretending to understand. Take some blankets for freezing late-night temperatures, and your phone so you have something to do while the actors are talking.