The middle class guide to ruining a picnic

A PICNIC is the perfect meal: finger food with booze and hardly any washing up. But thankfully middle class people have found ways to complicate it. Here’s how to ruin your next one.

Spend an hour dicking around with a gazebo

Common sense would suggest a picnic is about food, but some middle class people first like to make it about erecting a tent without walls. Makes you feel as if you’re at a sh*t corporate event while failing to keep out flies who fancy a second course after some delicious dog poo. 

Bring folding dining furniture

Along with the big Waitrose shop, transporting picnic equipment is why so many middle class people have oversized 4x4s. Take more furniture than most people have in their flats, and if you must sit on a rug, make sure it has a label saying it was handwoven so the world knows you support artisans.

Wear a panama hat

Ostensibly to protect your head, but mainly to project an image of… er… something. Looking like an escaped Nazi in South America?

Take the biggest, stupidest hamper

The hamper or hampers should be incredibly cumbersome with loads of fiddly straps inside. Ideally you should look as if you’re carrying a giant wicker briefcase – which makes sense because this picnic will feel like hard work. 

Picnic while watching open-air Shakespeare

Although too ashamed to eat in front of the telly, middle class people will gladly scrape out the bottom of a houmous pot while watching a play they’re pretending to understand. Take some blankets for freezing late-night temperatures, and your phone so you have something to do while the actors are talking.

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Parents relieved as Peppa Pig release six-week long episode

PARENTS of young children on their summer holidays have welcomed a new episode of Peppa Pig that runs continuously for 42 days.

From now on children can be placed in front of the 1008-hour episode and when the credits roll it will be time for them to return to education.

TV executive Nathan Muir said: “It’s got all the splashing in muddy puddles stuff kids love but with this longer format we got the chance to really explore character.

“Peppa is psychologically more complex than we’d previously imagined, searching for meaning in her porcine life that leads to her spending 200 hours in a silent Buddhist retreat – something I’m sure every parent will approve of.

“More importantly, your kids will be aware of nothing else for six weeks and you can get on with your own lives. Just remember to leave a few bowls of crisps near the TV each day or they might die.”

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “The new Peppa is excellent. You can go to work, have an affair, do some late-night shopping and when you get back the kids are exactly where they were.

“I also appreciated all the new storylines to fill the running time, such as Daddy Pig getting tired of being mocked as an obese klutz, getting a tattoo and shagging Miss Rabbit.”

Muir added: “We’re currently developing a ‘mega-max’ Peppa episode lasting 16 years. You can plonk your child in front of it when they’re two, and when it finishes they’re ready to leave home.”