The moron's guide to writing an Amazon review

DOES your useless new laptop from Amazon stop working when you use it in the bath? Here’s how to write a stupid and misleading Amazon review.

Moan when the product doesn’t live up to your mad expectations

For example: your new TV does not show better programmes than your old one, or a £4.50 lipstick has not changed your bone structure into that of Scarlett Johansson.

Give a book a bad review because you didn’t understand it

Did you attempt The Da Vinci Code but gave up because it’s ‘too complicated’? Slate it because you feel humiliated, rather than because it’s just shit. Other good reasons to criticise books are: ‘the wrong colour’ and ‘doesn’t fit in my bag’.

Refuse to accept that things can be damaged in transit accidentally

Your new measuring jug wasn’t broken due to an accident at a distant warehouse. The manufacturer deliberately smashes them all to piss off customers like you.

Blame the vendor when you’re the one being an idiot

Did your new iPad go wrong after you used it as a coaster? Don’t blame yourself, blame Apple for not warning you that slopping tea onto a piece of expensive electrical equipment is a bad idea.

Write the entire review about how much you hate your postman

Rather than reviewing the actual product, use it to let off steam about how you despise the person who delivered it because they wear shorts in December and are suspiciously cheerful.

Include a batshit conspiracy theory

If the product wasn’t to your liking, chuck in your paranoid thoughts about Amazon trying to rip you off in devious ways that are about as likely as it being the result of Zionists or chemtrails.

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Scotland now in danger of losing to fictional countries

THE Scottish national football team is now the underdog against a range of made-up countries.

Following a 3-0 defeat to Kazakhstan, Scotland fans are now dreading matches against places that exist only in literature or fantasy role playing games.

Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “Ruritania, Lilliput and the druids from beyond the Ultra-Forest of Kwang must be relishing the prospect.

“At this point we need a fictional manager. I’d like us to show a bit of ambition and approach Eleven from Stranger Things.”

Current Scotland manager Alex McLeish said: “There are no minnows in world football anymore, even if their most popular sport is horseback sword-fighting.”

He added: “We did force the keeper to make an above average save.”