DOES your useless new laptop from Amazon stop working when you use it in the bath? Here’s how to write a stupid and misleading Amazon review.
Moan when the product doesn’t live up to your mad expectations
For example: your new TV does not show better programmes than your old one, or a £4.50 lipstick has not changed your bone structure into that of Scarlett Johansson.
Give a book a bad review because you didn’t understand it
Did you attempt The Da Vinci Code but gave up because it’s ‘too complicated’? Slate it because you feel humiliated, rather than because it’s just shit. Other good reasons to criticise books are: ‘the wrong colour’ and ‘doesn’t fit in my bag’.
Refuse to accept that things can be damaged in transit accidentally
Your new measuring jug wasn’t broken due to an accident at a distant warehouse. The manufacturer deliberately smashes them all to piss off customers like you.
Blame the vendor when you’re the one being an idiot
Did your new iPad go wrong after you used it as a coaster? Don’t blame yourself, blame Apple for not warning you that slopping tea onto a piece of expensive electrical equipment is a bad idea.
Write the entire review about how much you hate your postman
Rather than reviewing the actual product, use it to let off steam about how you despise the person who delivered it because they wear shorts in December and are suspiciously cheerful.
Include a batshit conspiracy theory
If the product wasn’t to your liking, chuck in your paranoid thoughts about Amazon trying to rip you off in devious ways that are about as likely as it being the result of Zionists or chemtrails.