MAKING a good cup of tea is a fine art, which means there are lots of ways it can go wrong. Create the worst brew possible with these tips:
Choose your teabag
Don’t splash out on high-end pyramid bags, go for Co-op’s own-brand shit. If possible, leave them in the back of your cupboard for a few years until they lose all taste. If you’re feeling brave, use Earl Grey or mint teabags instead. Only the hardcore should mess with the disgusting flavour of rooibos tea.
Get the temperature right
Gas-powered catering urns found in takeaway vans outside football grounds can produce water hot enough to leave your tongue singed and unusable for weeks. If accessing one isn’t possible, go straight for room temperature water. It’ll taste refreshing.
Grab a mug
Preferably a novelty mug with a handle so small you can barely grab it with two fingers. Make sure you haven’t washed it for a few days either. Like a wok, an unclean mug will retain the essence of its previous outings and deliver a deep, seasoned flavour that tastes horrible.
Monitor the brewing time
Less is more. Hold the teabag about an inch above the water, and think carefully about putting it in. The reflection of the bag in the water alone usually delivers the perfect strength. Dip it in for a fraction of a second if you absolutely must, nothing longer.
Pour milk
Whether plant-based or dairy, find a way to make the milk almost go on the turn. Not properly gone off with lumps bobbing in it, that would be undrinkable. You’re looking for sour enough that it will leave a faintly tart aftertaste with every sip.
Offer extras
If you’re entertaining guests, go the extra mile and leave a small deposit of silt in the bottom of their mugs. Was it a ripped teabag? Limescale? A nasty bit of gunk the dishwasher left behind? Keep them guessing.
