SECONDARY school is a heady mix of hormones, hairspray and double maths. Here’s a guide to ‘dating’ in your pre-GCSE days.
Use a go-between
All relationships at this age are really for the benefit of others. So only go out with someone if their mate asks on their behalf. And only ask someone else out yourself by sending along your spottiest mate to tell them you ‘fancy them and that’. This is how relationships work.
Go out for less than a week
The shorter this romance the better. Like adult relationships you can find yourself hooked up with someone you don’t really like. So if you can end it in under a week, then perfect. A day is ideal. And you can probably fit in a whirlwind romance between first period PE and third period French.
Don’t speak to them
Been peer-pressured into holding hands with your new squeeze on the playground while all your mates look on? Remember, you don’t HAVE to speak to them. Just grunt, shuffle your feet and stare at the floor. They’ll find it romantic. Maybe.
Be too scared to kiss them
Let’s face it, you’re both too shy to actually kiss each other. Acceptable cop-out options are: (A) a snog on the dancefloor of a school disco being held at 5pm while it’s still light outside, and (B) a smooch down the side of the sports hall while 60-70 kids whoop, holler and make slurping noises.
Cry when you get dumped
Even though you didn’t really want to go out with them in the first place, you’re duty bound to be absolutely crushed when they dump you. You’ll wrap yourself in the duvet all weekend before embarking on a new, equally doomed, sexless three-day day tryst with Lucy Parry from Year 9 next week.