The teenager's guide to nominally going out with someone at secondary school

SECONDARY school is a heady mix of hormones, hairspray and double maths. Here’s a guide to ‘dating’ in your pre-GCSE days.

Use a go-between

All relationships at this age are really for the benefit of others. So only go out with someone if their mate asks on their behalf. And only ask someone else out yourself by sending along your spottiest mate to tell them you ‘fancy them and that’. This is how relationships work.

Go out for less than a week

The shorter this romance the better. Like adult relationships you can find yourself hooked up with someone you don’t really like. So if you can end it in under a week, then perfect. A day is ideal. And you can probably fit in a whirlwind romance between first period PE and third period French.

Don’t speak to them

Been peer-pressured into holding hands with your new squeeze on the playground while all your mates look on? Remember, you don’t HAVE to speak to them. Just grunt, shuffle your feet and stare at the floor. They’ll find it romantic. Maybe.

Be too scared to kiss them

Let’s face it, you’re both too shy to actually kiss each other. Acceptable cop-out options are: (A) a snog on the dancefloor of a school disco being held at 5pm while it’s still light outside, and (B) a smooch down the side of the sports hall while 60-70 kids whoop, holler and make slurping noises.

Cry when you get dumped

Even though you didn’t really want to go out with them in the first place, you’re duty bound to be absolutely crushed when they dump you. You’ll wrap yourself in the duvet all weekend before embarking on a new, equally doomed, sexless three-day day tryst with Lucy Parry from Year 9 next week.

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Are you annoyingly quirky enough to be the next Doctor Who? Take our quiz

WITH Jodie Whittaker handing in her notice, there’s a Time Lord-shaped vacancy on Doctor Who. But are you infuriatingly eccentric enough to fly the Tardis? Find out with our quiz.

What do you wear?

A) Usually something simple like jeans and a t-shirt, but for the last year I’ve barely been bothered to put on trousers.

B) A long flowing coat that I tell people was gifted to me by Napoleon. In reality I found it in a TK Maxx bargain bin.

Something exciting happens, how do you react?

A) Say ‘f**k me’ then try to take a picture of it on my phone.

B) Breathlessly spout some clunkily-written exposition about how it reminds me of one of my previous adventures.

Uh oh, this door’s locked. What now?

A) Politely give it a knock and wait to see if anyone answers.

B) Frantically point my sonic screwdriver toy at the door while my friends look on with embarrassed concern. Let’s hope it’s not made of wood, hahahahahahaha.

Do you have a catchphrase?

A) No, I’m a self-respecting adult. Unless ‘same again, barman’ counts.

B) Several. When something goes well I scream ‘Amazeballs!’ and when I’m dumped I whimper ‘why does this keep happening?’

Got any enemies?

A) My landlord is a bit of a dick, but I’m my own worst enemy most of the time.

B) A fellow Time Lord who keeps taunting me in a camp fashion.


Mostly As: Sorry, you seem like a down-to-earth person who probably doesn’t even have a silly haircut. Unless the BBC takes the show down a dark and gritty route, you haven’t got a hope in hell.

Mostly Bs: You sound as achingly unconventional as Timmy Mallet and probably look just as bloody ridiculous. When can you start?