The Telegraph reader's guide to 'hippy crack'

FOOTBALLERS enjoy a balloonful. Youths at lockdown raves go mad for it. But what is ‘hippy crack’ and could it become the drug à la mode for relaxed kitchen suppers? Lord Denys Finch Hatton investigates. 

What is ‘hippy crack’?

Nitrous oxide or ‘laughing gas’ is used by Generation Z, who reached adulthood in the 2010s and consequently have never laughed naturally. Its shiny, bullet-like receptacles can be found discarded in areas where mindless yob vandalism is called ‘street art’.

Is it safe?

Once inhaled, the gas induces a sense of euphoria and a fascination with brightly-coloured balloons. When administered by medical professionals as ‘gas and air’, it is risk-free. Taken recreationally, side effects can be dizziness, the application of glitter to the face and a disinclination to agree with Laurence Fox.

Is it legal?

Nitrous oxide inhabits a legal grey area very different to ‘five and drive’ on country lanes, groping female colleagues, large-scale tax avoidance and everything else where the police leave you alone if you have the right accent. The lower classes can’t be arrested for this one, giving them a dangerous sense of impunity.

Should it be banned?

Shall we go over who’s enjoying this again? Boy racers. TikTok teens. The voiceless urban poor with no hope and no future. Of course it should be banned.

Conclusion

I am no puritan. I went to Ibiza in the 90s and once danced to Paul Oakenfold with Prince William. However, hippy crack is accessibly priced and readily available so must be the new scourge of society. Plus nobody with a modicum of decorum should be seen dead puffing on a pink ‘Same Penis Forever’ hen party balloon.

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Memories of brilliant 90s album ruined by listening to it

A MIDDLE-AGED man who decided to treat himself to a listen to his favourite 90s album has discovered it is unlistenable, whiny shit. 

Tom Booker has been boring people since 1995 with claims that Menswear’s debut Nuisance was ‘the defining album of the Britpop era’, but has not listened to it in most of that time.

He said: “I was reminiscing with my old uni mates about the good old days and the subject turned to how brilliant Menswear were when we saw them at Roundhay Park and their classic debut.

“I realised I’d not heard it for ages, that it’d be on Spotify, made myself a cup of tea, put on my headphones and sat down to experience the magic and bring those warm memories flooding back. What a f**k-up that was.

“15 minutes and five songs later, I was sitting with the headphones in my lap, dazed. The album’s mind-numbingly awful, the singer can’t hold a note and the tunes are so simplistic my three year-old sings better in the bath.

“I feel sick. I’ve been living a lie all these years? What else? Is The Usual Suspects bollocks? Are the novels of Irvine Welsh a load of turgid guff?

“I’m now terrified to listen to Elastica or Ash in case their records are horseshit as well.”