The telltale signs you're less attractive than you think

EVERYONE has a vague idea of how attractive they are. But is there a chance you’ve wildly overestimated your hotness? Look out for these clues.

You’re still single

If you were attractive, chances are you’d have a partner. Most people have low standards and will settle for a less-than-perfect other half if it means they’re no longer alone. By this logic you must be a certified uggo, although you get to dodge tedious relationship drama and trips to the in-laws, so count your blessings, Quasimodo.

Nobody talks to you

It’s not just appearances that can be unattractive, your personality can be deeply repellent too. If people are giving you abrupt, one-word answers or blatantly ignoring you, maybe they can’t stand your hot takes on NFTs or jokes clearly recycled from social media. Rather unfairly, people are fascinated by the same dull shit if it’s coming from cuties, but them’s the breaks.

You don’t light up a room

The Richard Geres and Brigitte Bardots of the world cause gatherings to go quiet as everyone is bewitched by their physical beauty. When you walk into the room everyone’s more interested in stuffing their gobs before the buffet runs out. You are quite literally less attractive than an Iceland mini sausage roll.

Strangers stare at you but not with uncontrollable lust

Do you often find that people on the street do a double take and stare at you in horror? It’s not because there’s something weird and disgusting behind you. They’re actually looking at you and reacting in a way that feels natural to them. Do everyone a courtesy and wear a bag over your head.

You shatter reflective surfaces

Is it hard to find a mirror in your home without massive cracks running through it? Do puddles convulse in a frenzy of ripples when you try to look into them? If so, this could be science’s way of telling you that you’re a three out of ten at best. Be grateful – at least you don’t get to look at your ugly mug because your phone screen broke when you tried to take a selfie, again.

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Guardian reader was kind of hoping Truss wouldn't help with bills

A FINANCIALLY secure Guardian reader has admitted hoping Liz Truss would not do anything about energy bills so as to hasten the revolution.

The new prime minister will today announce her plan to freeze energy prices for two years, disappointing 41-year-old Tom Booker who felt sure she would ignore the crisis.

He said: “Bloody Tories, listening to economists and ordinary working people who’d be plunged into unimaginable poverty. How’s that going to spark fighting in the streets?

“Here I was expecting closed pubs, shuttered chippies, the complete breakdown of public services, the scales torn from the electorate’s eyes and a landslide Starmer victory. I don’t go to the pub or eat chips so I was looking forward to it.

“The entirety of Britain would have been in flames while I watched from the bay windows. We’ve got a long drive so it wouldn’t have reached our house. We’ve got gates.

“I felt sure she’d be such a hardcore Thatcherite she’d not only let it happen but give speeches saying we deserved it. If she truly believed in free-market principles she’d cheer it on.

“Sure, we’ll still have rationing and blackouts, but idiot Britain will shoulder those like it’s the Blitz and praise Liz for getting us through it. F**k. How will we rejoin the EU now?”