Things described as 'rustic' generally shit

THINGS that are old, tatty or just total crap are being made to sound desirable by describing them as ‘rustic’.

Items that are badly made or very old and knackered – from loaves of bread to houses – are callously being passed off as status symbols to idiots who believe anything.

Lawyer Francesca Johnson said: “When I first viewed my house I thought it was a filthy hovel with a pigeon infestation until the estate agent explained it had ‘bags of rustic charm’.

“I’ve stuck with that as a theme whilst buying furniture. Often I’ve thought someone’s trying to palm off a load of old junk from their dead granny’s attic for an extortionate price. But then they mention it’s rustic and I snap it up.

“It applies to food as well. My local farmer’s market is full of oddly shaped cakes, one of which costs more than a big shop at Asda, and they’re rustic too. Or artisanal.

“I don’t know what that means but it’s obviously good.

“I’ve also bought countless things described as ‘shabby chic’, ‘vintage’ and ‘distressed’. Imagine if I’d wasted my money on something clean and functional from IKEA instead.

“How dreadful.”

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How are people judging you because of your funny regional accent?

DOES that West Country twang make people think you’re as sexy as the Cadbury Caramel bunny, or a comedy bumpkin off The Two Ronnies? Find out with our guide.

If you’re Northern…

Northern accents have a certain ‘cool’. However they also suggest a massive chip on your shoulder and an unhealthy fixation with meat pies, so it’s swings and roundabouts.

Enjoy the kudos, but resist the temptation to pretend you’re a gritty member of the working class if you’re actually a graphic designer, or go ‘full Madchester’ and start saying gibberish like ‘nish’.

If you’re from the West Country…

You probably think your voice is the sultry countryside burr of a confusingly attractive cartoon rabbit. Prepare yourself for some bad news: to others it implies you are a cider-sloshing simpleton who wants to marry a sheep.

This is deeply unfair if you’re not a dreadful West Country stereotype, and are in fact a Professor of Astrophysics at the University of Bath, but don’t blame the rest of the UK, blame those bastards The Wurzels.

If you’re from Norfolk…

You’re an enigma. No one really knows what the Norfolk accent sounds like and so strangers probably think you’re from Holland, or perhaps Uzbekistan. Make the most of your exotic Norfolkian mystique!

If you’re Glaswegian…

Sadly English people may assume you’re an Irn-Bru swigging psychopath who will nut anyone who takes the piss, possibly while calling them a ‘bawbag’ for some reason.

This is a deeply offensive stereotype, unless you’re like that. Meanwhile, Glaswegians may wish to take comfort in the fact that they do not live in a country that appears to have gone completely mental.

If you’re posh…

Whilst ‘posh’ isn’t technically a geographical region, it definitely covers a lot of the Home Counties. Posh people are generally hated, but you can avoid this by not saying ‘yah’ and talking about horses.