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Thom, and other pretentious name spellings that signal an utter twat

MOST of us make do with a bog-standard spelling of our name but some people have to be wankers about it, like these:

Thom

Both Tom and Thomas are desperately boring, but either would be better than the horribly pretentious ‘Thom’. Get right on their tits by pronouncing the ‘th’ sound, as in ‘thumb’, and making them sound like a twat. If they don’t want you to use it, why have they added the extra letter?

Zooey

A name with a ‘z’ in it is already pretty quirky, so you’d have to be pretty f**king insufferable to add a ‘unique’ spelling on top. It’s bad enough if your parents inflicted this version on you, but if you adopted it because you wanted to be a manic pixie dream girl like Zooey Deschanel, then you deserve all the mockery you get.

Emilee

In your mind this way of spelling Emily would be used by a young woman in a Jane Austen novel with a modest fortune and a playful disposition. However, when it’s written on your bank card you’re obviously someone who hasn’t got over trying to stand out at secondary school by writing your name in a stupid way.

Lukas

Luke is a decent name, but if you insist on people calling you ‘Lucas’, they’ll think you’re a bit hoity-toity. However, when they find out you spell it ‘Lukas’, as if you’re a bearded banjo player from a struggling folk band, they’ll know for sure that you’re an absolute wanker. Stick with the one syllable, people will respect you more.

Symon

If this is the way your name is spelled on your birth certificate, you should change it. And if you’ve adopted this spelling yourself, you should be ashamed. You don’t sound like a sensitive poet from antiquity, you sound like a bellend.

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Five aphrodisiac foods that are a big red flag to your date

ARE you hoping to boost your sex drive and your chances of getting laid by ostentatiously eating aphrodisiac foods on a date? Here’s how it might backfire.

Oysters

If you fancy your chances enough to visit a fancy restaurant, don’t blow it by ordering oysters. As you suggestively slurp away at their slimy, vag-like innards, your date will conclude you’re a try-hard twat and any attraction they feel will die a far swifter death than the poor molluscs. 

Liquorice

If you’re at the cinema and produce a bag of liquorice, then whisper sexily in your date’s ear ‘it’s an aphrodisiac’ with foul liquorice breath, don’t be surprised if they go to the toilet and never come back. Only maniacs and old people like liquorice. Their dad probably loves it. You are not going to pull if you’ve planted the mental image ‘your horny dad’ in their head.

Hot chillies 

Sinking your teeth into a hot chilli pepper is never a good idea. Especially if you’re cooking for a date. Perhaps the experience will boost your sexual stamina, but your date isn’t likely to hang around while you spend the rest of the evening pouring mouldy yoghurt into your fiery mouth and shouting ‘I’m on fire!’ (and not in a sexual way, although that would be bad too).

Figs

Sucking out a fig’s brain-like insides, seeds and flesh stuck between your teeth, while claiming ‘it’s nature’s viagra’ is something your date will find it hard to forget. Chances are they’ll file it away as one of their ‘least sexy date moments ever’ – it may even become a story they tell future dates to bond with them. So figs do lead to hot sex.

Pomegranate

Think twice before you start ostentatiously ramming spoonfuls of seeds into your mouth whilst claiming you can already feel your sexual desire mounting. And although it’s true, don’t mention to a woman that pomegranate can improve sperm quality. Weirdly, they may not be planning to get pregnant on a first date.

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