Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property

THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.

Three semi-detached houses in Grimsby

If you weren’t so obsessed with living in an eye-wateringly expensive, dirty, noisy hellhole you could purchase three large houses in a different part of the country. So what if there isn’t a cold brew coffee bar within Uber distance? It will help you stop being a ponce.

1,000 weeks of all-inclusive holiday in Benidorm

You could go on an all-inclusive package holiday for 19 years entire years for the price of a London house. It’s true that you can’t then sell it to downsize to a nice little place in Sussex but you can drink a large amount of sangria and get a lovely tan.

Two Winnebago tour buses

A rock star house on wheels that’s bigger and warmer than that tiny damp studio flat in Hackney that you’re so keen to pay through the nose for. You can still live in East London too, if you must, as you’ll have change to spare for all the parking tickets you rack up in Dalston.

A small Scottish island

Forget city living altogether and move to a remote Scottish island that you’ll have all to yourself. You may have to fend off wild animals, but you’re used to that from dodging the rats and foxes hanging round the overflowing bins of the chicken shop below your shared house in Camberwell.

A third-hand yacht

Pretend you’re a poor man’s Philip Green and buy yourself a slightly used yacht. It might be impractical, but so is buying a house just outside Zone 6 and spending three miserable hours commuting every day.


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Boris Johnson's first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript

THE prime minister will be wasting no time sucking up to newly sworn-in president Joe Biden. Here is a transcript of their first conversation today.


BORIS JOHNSON: Joe, mate, congratulations on becoming president of Britain’s most important ally! I think I speak on behalf of everyone on the planet when I say thank f**k you won. And before we roll up our sleeves and work closely together, let me just say I never liked Trump. Never.

JOE BIDEN: I’m kind of busy right now –

JOHNSON: Wait! Don’t hang up! Look at all the things we have in common. We both got our dream jobs after years of setbacks, and I’m sure you’ll be just as popular as me. You’re Roosevelt and I’m Churchill, right, my old buddy? I mean, not old. Young and vigorous. Thrusting!

BIDEN (to aide): He must have got the number from Trump…

JOHNSON: We’re also both practicing Catholics, sort of. You with your sacred principles, and me with my aversion to prophylactics. And you’re not going to believe this, but I’ve had my hair cut just like you. I’ve had it dyed too so we look exactly the same! Isn’t that terrific and not weird?

BIDEN: I really have to go now –

JOHNSON: Sure. Sure. Call me back when you can. I’m surprised you didn’t leap at the phone when my name came up on the caller ID but I guess it’s on the fritz. Just one thing, can you get me out of the shit with Brexit? Can you write down ‘Do a deal with Britain’ on a Post-it note? Can you do that now? Have you got a pen? Can you write down –