THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.
Three semi-detached houses in Grimsby
If you weren’t so obsessed with living in an eye-wateringly expensive, dirty, noisy hellhole you could purchase three large houses in a different part of the country. So what if there isn’t a cold brew coffee bar within Uber distance? It will help you stop being a ponce.
1,000 weeks of all-inclusive holiday in Benidorm
You could go on an all-inclusive package holiday for 19 years entire years for the price of a London house. It’s true that you can’t then sell it to downsize to a nice little place in Sussex but you can drink a large amount of sangria and get a lovely tan.
Two Winnebago tour buses
A rock star house on wheels that’s bigger and warmer than that tiny damp studio flat in Hackney that you’re so keen to pay through the nose for. You can still live in East London too, if you must, as you’ll have change to spare for all the parking tickets you rack up in Dalston.
A small Scottish island
Forget city living altogether and move to a remote Scottish island that you’ll have all to yourself. You may have to fend off wild animals, but you’re used to that from dodging the rats and foxes hanging round the overflowing bins of the chicken shop below your shared house in Camberwell.
A third-hand yacht
Pretend you’re a poor man’s Philip Green and buy yourself a slightly used yacht. It might be impractical, but so is buying a house just outside Zone 6 and spending three miserable hours commuting every day.