Monday, 8th March 2021

Too many or not enough: how many sexual partners have you had?

HOW many people you’ve shagged exactly equates to your worth as a human. Rate yourself on our scale to find out if you are a sexual failure or an amoral slag: 

Zero

It’s tragic that you’ve never experienced the joy of sexual intimacy with another person, loser. Lower your standards and get on with it or the vicar will intone ‘Sadly, he remained a pathetic virgin’ as your coffin is lowered at your funeral.

One

You’re one of these sickening people who met their life partner aged 17 and have been together ever since. Stop being so bloody unadventurous and have an affair, even if it ruins a blissful relationship, leads to divorce and your kids end up broken and ashamed.

Two to five

Not really trying, are you? Stuck in a rut of caring, respectful, long-term relationships? Seriously rethink your attitude and get out there, drunkenly sleeping with anyone you meet in grim nightclubs while creating a shitload of emotional hassle for yourself when they think you’re a couple now.

Five to 20

At 12 or above you’re in the porking ‘sweet spot’: sexually experienced, clearly desirable to the opposite sex, and you can pretend to be mortified about what a sexual adventurer you are while you’re showing off.

20 to 40

A very respectable number of notches on the bedpost, but you’re moving towards promiscuity and herpes. Our outdated patriarchal society is horribly judgmental about women having casual relationships, but also hates men who do it because they’re genetically blessed with looks and don’t need an interesting personality. Scum.

60-plus

There’s a word for people like you: ‘popular’. It’s worth doing a cost-benefit analysis of your endless unsatisfying hook-ups and maybe doing something more fulfilling, like deep-cleaning the bathroom.

2,000+

You’re either a prostitute or a member of Motley Crue, so this is fine because it’s your job.