Towels don't need washing because you only use them when you're clean, and other Einstein-level hypotheses

HAS it ever occurred to you that something every sane person thinks or does might be completely wrong? Undiscovered genius Tom Logan expounds his revolutionary ideas: 

Towels don’t need washing because you only use them when you’re clean

Think about it. You step out of the shower squeaky-clean, the towel only ever touches your good, clean body, it dries, it’s still clean. It is literally impossible for it to get dirty. Ignore the musty odour, that’s just what concentrated cleanliness smells like.

People should be able to drive whatever speed they want

The German autobahn is the safest road in the world, purely because there are no speed limits. Because drivers aren’t worrying about speed limits they’re free to concentrate on their actual driving, improving it 100 per cent. As long as you’re confident and in control, you should be allowed to drive 90mph in a School Crossing zone.

We don’t need to brush our teeth because people in the old days didn’t

Watch any period drama and you’ll see that people had perfect, lovely teeth. And did they use charcoal toothpaste and a Philips Sonicare? No. It’s all just a racket by the dental industry designed to defraud us of millions every year.

All political parties are equally bad so politics is pointless

As I’m at pains to explain to ‘socialists’, all political parties are as bad as each other so you shouldn’t bother caring. That’s why I always vote for the smallest, stupidest party I can find – not to support them, but just as a clever meta-joke about how pointless everyone’s ideas for bettering society are.

There’s never any money left at the end of the month whatever

It doesn’t matter if you’re careful or you splurge, there’s never any money left the week before you get paid regardless. It just goes, so you might as well spend it while you’ve got it rather than let it trickle away when you’re not looking. Get yourself a treat.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The top six insects that are in your house the second a window's opened

CRACKING a window gets fresh air in, but this parade of six-legged bastards won’t be far behind. These are the usual hellish suspects:


They have better PR than Hollywood celebrities, from songs to well-loved publishing houses to tiny toddler raincoats. But when you’ve got 12 of them on a windowsill and they open their casings and take flight, they’re just one more nasty little insect.

Daddy longlegs

The answer to the question everyone was asking – what if we made a spider fly? Always so much longer and leggier than any living thing should be, dedicated to getting into your face, and if you try to catch them detach their horrible limbs with gay abandon.


This little shit isn’t finding its way out anytime soon and it absolutely wants you to know it. Will even do you the courtesy of letting you drop off to sleep, settled in the knowledge it must have gone, before gifting you a buzzing flypast not heard since World War Two.


Working the nightshift, moths love a darkened room with a 40-inch plasma screen they can all settle on for hours, ruining Netflix with their brown, dusty bodies. Remarkably resistant to any suggestion that they could f**k off.


Enjoy such a good reputation, what with honey and misattributed Einstein quotes, that you’re honour-bound to escort them from your home alive. And they know it, and they’re determined to be dicks about it, fuzzily bumping into every window in the whole house.


Conversely, everyone agrees that this stripey bastard deserves to die. Apart from the wasp himself, who is armed and ready to flip from stoned and sleepy to angry and frenzied the minute someone goes at it wielding a flip-flop. After this the windows are closed no matter how stuffy it is.