Twat gets intense satisfaction from having wrong opinion about everything

A MAN gets a tiresome thrill from never expressing a single reasonable opinion about anything, people have noticed.

Stephen Malley loves nothing more than to set out his misinformed opinions about everything from the Israeli-Palestine conflict to 1970s children’s bikes as a weird provocation to his friends.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “He has this joyful smile whenever he expresses one of his completely stupid opinions. Yesterday it was communism, about which he knows f**k all.

“I can’t deny Steve’s got a wide range of interests. Why Woody Allen’s latest films are better than the early ones. How Pete is an idiot for buying a Hyundai. Why gravity is ‘wrong’.

“What his opinions do have in common is that they are all based on total ignorance. I used to think he was trolling me, but no, he really is a vastly overconfident dipshit.”

Malley said: “I very much enjoy discussing different subjects and contributing with an opinion that I just came up with on the fly.

“I’ll be chatting to friends later so I think I’ll kick off with why the Beatles were shit, then work my way though a variety of hot topics before explaining why we should invade Hong Kong.”

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How to win at office politics from home

ARE you locked in a video call power struggle with your colleagues? Here’s how to navigate the nest of vipers you work with from the comfort of your own home.

Criticise your colleagues’ home decor

Start destroying your co-workers’ self-confidence by making sly digs about their patterned feature wall and uninspiring bookshelf. Try something like “Anyone who’s still reading The Girl On The Train in 2020 is clearly a bit of a plodder” and go from there.

Choose an intimidating Zoom background

Perception is key to getting ahead in a cut-throat office environment. Make a strong impression with a Zoom background like Tony Montana’s coke-heaped office in Scarface and avoid something nerdy like the Emperor’s throne room from Return of the Jedi.

Bitch when your mic’s still on ‘accidentally’

“Lucy’s presentation was a shoddy piece of rubbish, wasn’t it? The sooner we let her go the better. Oh, can you still hear me, Lucy? Oh God, how embarrassing. Would you like me to email over your P45 once you’ve finished drying your tears?”

Post cakes to your boss

Providing edible treats is as important as smashing your KPIs in the third quarter when it comes to securing a promotion. Show the pathetic lengths you’re willing to go to by posting cakes to your boss then casually mentioning it in the next video call so everyone knows who’s the top dog/creepy crawler.

Sabotage the business

If you’re falling behind in the power dynamic simply mess up big time and bankrupt your already struggling business. Soon you’ll be competing with your ex-colleagues for one of the precious few remaining jobs, but you can use the same devious tricks in a group video interview.

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