The new rules for school which children will unfailingly obey because that's what kids are like

THE government has outlined its new half-arsed rules for reopening schools which are impossible to follow and will be ignored. But what are they? 

Start times to be staggered

A series of cleverly staggered beginning and leaving times will mean no contact between pupils, apart from those with older and younger siblings which is a mere all of them. Those children will hang around outside school fighting and pissing about as per usual.

Pupils to face front at all times

All pupils are to face forwards for six straight hours like soldiers on parade, never looking left or right at their classmates, never making jokes, never eyeing up boys they fancy or passing notes or behaving like human beings. Yeah, f**king right.

Primary schools to have bubbles of 30 children

In an amazing, one-in-a-billion coincidence, the safe class size for primary school children has proven to be the current maximum class size for primary school children. Sometimes with epidemiology you’re just lucky like that. Will regularly be exceeded, as before. 

Secondary schools to have whole-year bubbles

Entire years at secondary school will be taught within the same laughably overcrowded buildings but miraculously never see each other or even know the other years are there. COVID-19 will be asked not to linger in the air or on surfaces to respect this rule and is expected to agree. 

Pupils allowed to wear masks

Mask-wearing will not be compulsory, but the bullying of any child who wears a mask will be rigidly enforced by peer groups. Expect the upper branches of trees to be festooned with them by the end of the first break. 

Teachers to wear face-shields

Teachers are f**king hilarious already, because they’re old and weird-looking and expect you to listen to them. Add a face-shield that mists up when they get angry and which balls of spit-moistened paper will adhere to, and there is no hope for any discipline whatsoever. 

Private schools to be fine

They’ve got the room, they’ve got the money, they’ll be fine. And that’s really all that matters.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Test and trace demanded for those still infected with Brexit enthusiasm

SCIENTISTS have called for tests to locate those who still think Brexit is going to be great, so that they can be isolated from the rest of society.

Mindless enthusiasm for Brexit is not falling as quickly as it should and is taking a heavy toll on communities, particularly among the elderly and red-faced men with high blood pressure.

Chief scientist Tom Logan said: “People need to check themselves for symptoms. Do you run a high temperature whenever someone so much as mentions the existence of Belgium?

“Do you experience a tightening of the chest when you watch Question Time and someone in the audience or on the panel expresses an opinion slightly less deranged than that of Mark Francois?

“If so, you must self-isolate. This is to avoid contaminating others, but also to stop people having to listen to your tired old slogans from 2016, for example, ‘They need us more than we need them’.

“You’ll be required to isolate for 14 days initially, and if necessary for months afterwards until someone finds a vaccine against fabricated stories in the Express.”

He added: “Young people must not assume they are immune. None of your mates may have caught it yet, but you’ll look like a weirdo if you’re 18 and saying ‘We survived the war’.”