Wear a jumper, and other really f**king obvious autumn wardrobe ideas

THE leaves are turning, the nights are drawing in, it will soon be f**king freezing. Try these excruciatingly obvious ways of adapting your wardrobe:

Wear a jumper

Want to get yourself ready for autumn? Simply put on more clothes. Put on the T-shirt you’ve been wearing over summer and stick a jumper on over it. Done. You don’t have to worry about them matching because the jumper covers up the T-shirt.

Put on tights

Alternatively, if you’re a lady who has spent summer wearing a lot of dresses, consider wearing the same dress with a pair of warm tights. Cold arms? Get a cardigan.

Stop wearing sandals

If your feet are feeling chilly, it might be because you’re wearing sandals in October. Put on a pair of trainers or boots, you f**kwit.

Wear a vest

Bit nippy? You don’t always have to go in over the top. Wear a vest under the clothes you already own and you’ll be warmer than you were before, which is dressing for autumn, because the main feature of autumn is the drop in temperature.

Get out your winter coat

You didn’t need it in the summer, but unless you’re f**king mental you still own at least one winter coat. Just get it out of your wardrobe and wear it. No, you don’t need a new one.

Wear a hat and gloves

For f**k’s sake, how much wardrobe help do you need? If you’re really too clueless to put extra coverings on cold extremities frankly you deserve whatever pneumonia is coming your way.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Female friendships 'exhausting', women confirm

WOMEN have agreed that friendship with other women is too stressful, preferring male-style friendships without any obligation for emotional support. 

The move comes after a number of long phone calls about relationships, the proliferation of WhatsApp groups requiring constant attention and the organising of a weekend away for Sophie’s birthday to ‘make her feel special’.

Nikki Hollis, aged 37, said: “Emma texted me last night with seven questions in a row. How’s Jake? Did you go to that place? How’s the cat? Did you sort things out with your mum? And you can’t miss out one answer or it’s rude. I’m shattered.

“You also have to buy a proper gift for their birthday and make sure to message them before Facebook reminds you, and it can’t be a voucher or they’ll be offended.

“And each time they f**k up their life, you have to spend ages thinking of ways that your own life is far worse, to make them feel better.

“Meanwhile my partner Jake talks to his mates about football, Jason Statham films and former Page 3 model Keeley Hazell. That sounds way better.”

Jake agreed: “Nikki is broken and exhausted by her friendships. I see my best mates Ryan and Tom couple of times a year, tops. I think Ryan got divorced. He seems fine.”